One-Eyed Richmond Forum
Football => View from the Outer => Topic started by: Francois Jackson on September 23, 2010, 01:09:48 PM
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Eddie McGuire is walking down the stairs of the Westpac Centre with Nathan and Tania Buckley.
All of a sudden Tania slips and her head gets caught between the rails. While she is there Nathan takes the opportunity to give her a good rogering.
After he finishes Nathan looks at Eddie and says, "Your turn Ed". Ed looks at him and tears start to roll down his face.
Nathan asks, "What's up Ed?", to which Eddie replies, "I don't think my head will fit between the rails"
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A Collingwood supporter dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Collingwood jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter in a St Kilda scarf.
"Hello, mate," says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Collingwood fans in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "
"You heard. No Collingwood fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Collingwood supporter. "Oh, really?" says St Peter. "What have you done then?"
"Well, says the guy, three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa, I also gave 20 bucks to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
" Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay," says St Peter, "you wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eyes and says,
"I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your sixty bucks back, now stuff OFF!"
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:clapping
Rate them daniel161, keep them coming!
:rollin
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anyone know how do you paste pictures on this site i have a beauty..
Did you hear that Eddie Maguire was complaining that a lot of clubs have done very well through the father and son rule.
Collingwood apparently has been missing out and not picking up many players through this rule and Eddie wants to change it.
The problem is that none of the Collingwood players know who their fathers are.
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What do you call a Collingwood supporter in a suit?
The defendant.
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:lol
Why do collingwoood girls wear flannelette nickers in the footy season?
To keep their ankles warm!
One of these Collingwood girls l was involved in a serious crash, there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
A Collingwood girll goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten" replies the Collingwood girl,
"Ten?"says the Centrelink worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan
and
Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Collingwood girl.
"Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have
shout NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY or NATHAN GO TO BED NOW
and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
Centrelink
worker.
"That's easy," says the Collingwood girl... "I just use their surnames"
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You know you are a Collingwood supporter when you are 30 and you get called Grandma.
You know you are a Collingwood supporter when you are 12 and can smoke at the table.
You know you are a Collingwood supporter when your verandah falls down and crushes 5 dogs.
You know you are a Collingwood supporter when you are married three times and each time has been to someone from the same family.
What do you call a Collingwood supporter in a white tracksuit? The bride
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what do u call a colonwood supporter in a suit?
a-The defendant.
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St Peter is manning the pearly gates when forty Collingwood supporters roll up.
Never having seen supporters from Collingwood at Heaven's door before St Peter says he will have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructs him to admit the 10 most virtuous people from the group.
A few minutes later St Peter returns to God breathless and says, 'They're gone!'.
'What? All of the supporters are gone?' asks God.
'No!' replies St Peter. 'The pearly gates’.
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The toothbrush was invented in Collingwood.
If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.
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A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Collingwood and,
trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her
class that she is a Collingwood fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Collingwood fans. Everyone in
the class raises their hand except one boy.
The teacher looks at the boy with surprise and says: "Little Johnny, why
didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Collingwood fan,"
he replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a
Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Richmond fan, and proud of it," Little Johnny replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Little Johnny, why are you a Richmond fan?"
My mum and dad were born and raised in Richmond, so my mum is a Richmond fan and my dad is a
Richmond fan, and so I'm a Richmond fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Richmond fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Little Johnny said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan."
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Urgent Message
The Royal Melbourne Show will be closed this saturday.
There is no one to man the rides as all Collingwood Supporters will be home watching the Grand Final
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anyone know how to paste pictures in this message.
I have a good one but for some reason it doesnt allow me to cut and paste photo's in the message.
anyone have a clue what to do?
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You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a colonwood supporter. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?
Shoot the colonwood supporter Twice.
A rapist, a gangster and a colonwood supporter are in the same car...
Who is driving the car?
A cop!
Colonwood supporters get very nervous after sex, as they normally have the police after them.....
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(http://i230.photobucket.com/albums/ee159/Kitsui/joke.jpg)
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:ROTFL :thatsgold
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I'm praying that the best Collingwood joke comes to fruition by 5:30pm Saturday.
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A oldie from the time of the 2002-3 GFs.
Collingwood supporters, here's 5 examples on how to be just like your favorite Collingwood player ......
1. Throw a ball in the air, tell your mate in the office to mark it and you just stand and watch him. Do this 20 times, make sure you watch all 20 marks. Once completed you've now become Jason Cloke.
2. Grab a biscuit from the office's tea room, as you walk back to your desk slip over and drop the biscuit. Have your work mate pick up the biscuit eat it, throw the crumbs at you and then tell you how good it was. Once completed you've become Rhyce Shaw ( strong preference that a work mate by the name of Jonathon Brown eats the biscuit ).
3. Go see your supervisor, tell him that you're upset other people have gotten a promotion. When he says bad luck, cry on his shoulder. Do this twice, once completed you've now become Paul Licuria.
4. Walk around the office, and scrounge through everyone's drawers. Gather all useless stationary. Pick up 30 to 35 useless items /possessions. Once completed you've become Nathan Buckley.
5. Walk past your boss raise the elbow and smack him in the jaw. Once completed you'll be given two weeks notice, lost your job / and you've become Anthony Rocca.
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Praying 2010 can be added to this list :pray
(http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t219/bzparkes/piesposter.jpg)
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NEWSFLASH - Collingwood Football Club is facing financial ruin after going into partnership with a local vineyard.
They were supposed to be releasing 50,000 bottles of a limited edition "Dane Swan Brownlow Medallist Cab Sav" today.
Due to unforseen circumstances the bottles are now worthless because they've been tainted with sour grapes.
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Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Collingwood fan."
So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"
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Travis Cloke is excited about getting married, but I think it's just because he wants to hear someone say "Mrs. Cloke" instead of "Cloke misses."
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Q. Two Collingwood supporters jump off a cliff. Who wins
A. Society.
Q. What does a Collingwood supporter use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.
Q. What does a Collingwood supporter use as a contraceptive?
A. His personality.
Q. What do you call a 30 year old female Collingwood supporter?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a Collingwood supporter in a suit?
A. The defendant.
Q. Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger, for no reason what so ever.
Q. What do you call a female Collingwood supporter in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. If you are driving and you see a Collingwood supporter on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.
Q. What's the first question during a Collingwood supporter quiz night?
A. What you looking at?
Q. Two Collingwood supporters in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman!
Q. Why is three Collingwood supporters going over a cliff in Lexus a shame?
A. Because a Lexus has four seats.
Q. What do you say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
A. Big Mac please.
You know you're a Collingwood supporter when:
1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of 'most admired people.'
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: 'Hey, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: 'Carn the Maggies .'
10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.
11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
15. You think 'loaded dishwasher' means your wife is drunk.
16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.
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How are all the Colligwood Supporters going to buy another Grand Final ticket next week? Centrelink payments are fortnightly!!
Collingwood: They can't read or write but at least they can Draw!
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How are all the Colligwood Supporters going to buy another Grand Final ticket next week? Centrelink payments are fortnightly!!
Rob a bank ;D
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Saw this on BF....
(http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/1522/magpoo.jpg)
The old Richmond rooms in the Southern stand will also need to be fumigated as the Pies used them after the game lol. It must have killed Eddie to be forced to use a changeroom with yellow and black everywhere ;D.
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Pies Vrs Saints. You Decide??
(http://www.compymcputer.com/uploads/62814392969443422.jpg)
(http://www.compymcputer.com/uploads/23523255838448448.jpg)
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Saw this on BF....
(http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/1522/magpoo.jpg)
The old Richmond rooms in the Southern stand will also need to be fumigated as the Pies used them after the game lol. It must have killed Eddie to be forced to use a changeroom with yellow and black everywhere ;D.
oh thats a classic, gunna blow that one up & put it on the magpie wall here hahaha
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What's the difference between a Collingwood supporter and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.
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Nick Maxwell's girlfriend gets home to him jumping around celebrating and shouting "43 days, 43 days!"
She asks him why he is celebrating, and Nick tells her that its how long it took him to finish a jigsaw puzzle.
"Thats a good thing?" she asks.
"You bet!" replies Nick. "It says between 3 to 6 years on the box!"
Q. What do Collingwood fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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What does a colonwoood girl say after sex?
....so, do you all play for the same team?
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A family of lovely Collingwood supporters heads out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas shoplifting.
While in Rebel Sports, the son picks out a St Kilda football jumper and says to his 10 year old sister, “Hey Mole, I’ve decided to become a Saints supporter, I want this for Christmas
His sister, outraged by this, promptly whacks him in the head with her carton of Winfields, and says, “Boofhead, go talk to Mum”
Off the little boy goes with his St Kilda jumper tucked in under his shirt and finds his Mum.
“Hey Mum”
“Yeah”
“I’ve decided I’m going to be a Saints supporter, I want this jumper for Christmas”.
The mother is outraged by this, throws her moccasins and a fully stubby of VB at him, hits him in the head and goes “Go talk to your father”.
Off they go to prison with the footy jumper in hand to find big Moose, his toothless, tattooed father.
“Hey Dad”
“Yeah Knackers”
“I’ve decided to be a St Kilda supporter, I want this jumper for Christmas”
Moose goes berserk and gives his son an almighty backhander and says, “No son of mine is ever going to be seen wearing that”, and he kicks him in the bum from end of the rec room to the other.
About half an hour later though, they were all back in the old Torana heading towards home.
The mother turns to her son and says, “Knackers, have you learned something today?”
The son says, “Bloody oath I have”.
“Good Knackers, what is it?”
The son replies “I’ve only been a St Kilda supporter for a day and I already hate you Collingwood pricks”.
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A female Collingwood supporter walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
" Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
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A Collingwood girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten" replies the Collingwood girl,
"Ten?" says the Centrelink
worker.
>"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan,
Nathan
and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Collingwood girl.
"Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have
to
shout NATHAN,
YER DINNER'S READY or NATHAN GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
Centrelink worker.
"That's easy,"
says the Collingwood girl... "I just use their
surnames"
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im enjoying the usage of "C-O-L-O-N-Wood
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Cmon Ainters bring home the biggest Colonwood joke of all
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Cmon Ainters bring home the biggest Colonwood joke of all
I'm hoping the joke aint on all us Colonwood haters in about an hours time.
Only think I can think of now is they still have not won a flag in September since 1958 which may seem a little moot if the bastards win.
Come on Coll E Wobbles where are you?
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Mick Malthouse goes to a football reunion at Richmond and starts chatting with Damien Hardwick.
Damien says to Mick, “Well Mick, I don’t know what you think of your players at Collingwood, but mine here are all bright and brilliant.”
“How do you know?” asks Mick.
“Oh well, it’s simple”, says Damien. “We put them through a special intelligence test before they can play here. Just pick any of my players and we will see how well he does.”
Mick thinks for a while and then nominates Dustin Martin.
Damien calls him over and asks him,” Tell me Dusty, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
“ Ah, that’s simple Dima,” says Dusty, “it’s me”.
“Well done Dusty”, says ,Damien and Mick is very impressed.
Mick returns to Collingwood and wonders about the intelligence of the team.
He calls in Dane Swan and asks,” Dane , tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
Dane thinks and thinks and doesn’t know the answer. “Can I think about it a bit more Mick, and I’ll give you an answer tomorrow?”
“ Of course,” says Mick, “you’ve got 24 hours. But it is very important that you come up with the answer.”
Dane goes away, thinks as hard as he can, and then he calls in his teammates. Pendlebury thought it might be his Grandpa but wasn’t sure.
Tarrant was certain that it couldn’t be anyone.
Andrew Krakouer admitted he was sacked from Richmond for not knowing. Cloke also owned up to failing the test while trying to get a position at Punt Rd.
Nick Maxwell thought it could be a cousin in Italy who had been adopted as a child.
The rest of the team wouldn’t even hazard a guess.Darren Jolly went into the foetal position.
20 hours later, Dane is very worried that he still has no answer with only 4 hours to go. Eventually Dane says” I know, I’ll ring James Hird! He’s clever, he’ll know the answer.”
He calls James. “Hirdy,” he says, “tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not you brother and is not your sister?”
“ Very simple,” says James, “it’s me!”
“ Of course!” says Dane and immediately rings Mick.
“ Mick,” says Dane, “ I’ve got the answer: it’s James Hird.”
“ No, you idiot,” says Mick. “It’s Dustin Martin.”
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Welcome aboard OER Patrick. An oldie but a goodie :thumbsup.