One-Eyed Richmond Forum
General => General Discussion => Topic started by: Harry on January 04, 2005, 01:42:31 PM
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Has anyone listened to one of his CD's ?
He's a stand up comedian from the US and is quite funny. :rollin
His joke telling uses explicit foul language and he aint politically correct to say the least.
Warning - For anyone with a sensitive ear I don't recommend you listen to it, but if you enjoy this type of humour and don't mind the foulest of foul language then I recommend it.
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Is that the guy that was Howard Stern's right hand man for a while? I think I've heard of him, but haven't heard any of his stuff. i'll give him a listen.
My favourite stand up comedians:
George Carlin
Bill Hicks
Andrew Dice Clay
Dennis Leary
Sam Kinison
Anyone know of any birds that do good stand up?
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Is that the guy that was Howard Stern's right hand man for a while? I think I've heard of him, but haven't heard any of his stuff. i'll give him a listen.
My favourite stand up comedians:
George Carlin
Bill Hicks
Andrew Dice Clay
Dennis Leary
Sam Kinison
Anyone know of any birds that do good stand up?
Yep that's him - was Howard Sterns right hand man and wrote alot of his material.
If you like Dice Clay, you'll love Jackie. IMO Dice Clay is good but Jackie is much better.
His 5 CD's are -
The Joke Man
F Jackie
Hot dogs and donuts
Sgt Pecker
Best of Jackie Martling.
Listened to most of all of them and The joke Man is the best IMO.
Let us know what you think after you listen to it.
I've been listening to it in the car and people think I'm mad when I laugh hysterically.
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Call me old-fashioned, but i don't like comedians who swear to get a laugh. Ain't funny to me.
Rather like visual comedians who just with a stupid look can get me going - a la Chevy Chase, Marx Brothers, Benny Hill, Red Skelton etc.
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A good one from his CD -
Batman says to superman - "so what kind a day you been having Soop?"
Superman - "Not bad - I was flying around Wonder Womans apartment when I saw her through the window, lying there naked on her back with her legs spread wide open. I thought what the heck, so I swooped in and gave her a shot."
Batman - "Was she surprised ?"
Superman - "Yeah, but not as surprised as the Invisible Man". :lol :rollin
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There are no good chick comedians in my opinion, John. Don't know why, there just isn't.
Is that the guy that was Howard Stern's right hand man for a while? I think I've heard of him, but haven't heard any of his stuff. i'll give him a listen.
My favourite stand up comedians:
George Carlin
Bill Hicks
Andrew Dice Clay
Dennis Leary
Sam Kinison
Anyone know of any birds that do good stand up?
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John - have you had a chance to listen to one of his CD's yet?
A cop pulls over a driver for swirving all over the place.
Cop - "Excuse me sir, I'm gonna have to give you a breath test"
Driver - "Can't do that"
Cop - "Why not?"
Driver - "Cos I've got asthma, one blow and I'll be in a coughing fit"
Cop - "Then I'm gonna have to ask for a blood test"
Driver - "Can't do that"
Cop - "Why not?"
Driver - "Cos I'm a haemophiliac, one prick and there'll be blood all over the place"
Cop - "Then I'm gonna have to ask you to get out of the car and walk a straight line"
Driver - "Can't do that"
Cop - "Why not?"
Driver - "Cos I'm stuffen drunk you a$$hole"
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NOT LMAO @ Aussie comedians.
Is it just me or do they all fall light years short of being funny or professional.
A good example of this is if u have watched those international comedy festivals.
Aschit Auusie comic will do his routine to a room full of family and sympathy laughers and then a
Yank will come on and make the Aussies look like wacko tram conductors trying to get your fare.
Fair dinkum,some of us would be beeter than them carnts.
It's only because they are a tight knit community that they are continually working and in the public eye.
stuff i hate them all especially Dave Hughes(love to smsh him in the throat) and any Fat chicks that think they are funny
ala Magna szubowski or whatever TF her name is.
What a joke it is when they bag kylie and they are exactly the same -TALENTLESS.
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John - have you had a chance to listen to one of his CD's yet?
A cop pulls over a driver for swirving all over the place.
Cop - "Excuse me sir, I'm gonna have to give you a breath test"
Driver - "Can't do that"
Cop - "Why not?"
Driver - "Cos I've got asthma, one blow and I'll be in a coughing fit"
Cop - "Then I'm gonna have to ask for a blood test"
Driver - "Can't do that"
Cop - "Why not?"
Driver - "Cos I'm a haemophiliac, one prick and there'll be blood all over the place"
Cop - "Then I'm gonna have to ask you to get out of the car and walk a straight line"
Driver - "Can't do that"
Cop - "Why not?"
Driver - "Cos I'm stuffen drunk you a$$hole"
ROLFMLFMAOOOOOO dude.
I'm trying to download some of his schit on Kazaa but i can't get anything. Know where i can download some of his albums? (LMFAOO@buying them being out of the question)
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NOT LMAO @ Aussie comedians.
Is it just me or do they all fall light years short of being funny or professional.
A good example of this is if u have watched those international comedy festivals.
Aschit Auusie comic will do his routine to a room full of family and sympathy laughers and then a
Yank will come on and make the Aussies look like wacko tram conductors trying to get your fare.
Fair dinkum,some of us would be beeter than them carnts.
It's only because they are a tight knit community that they are continually working and in the public eye.
stuff i hate them all especially Dave Hughes(love to smsh him in the throat) and any Fat chicks that think they are funny
ala Magna szubowski or whatever TF her name is.
What a joke it is when they bag kylie and they are exactly the same -TALENTLESS.
Agree Ox. Australian comedians are a joke. LMFAOOOOOOO@Rove McManus. How the stuff did he get a show again?
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John - have you had a chance to listen to one of his CD's yet?
A cop pulls over a driver for swirving all over the place.
Cop - "Excuse me sir, I'm gonna have to give you a breath test"
Driver - "Can't do that"
Cop - "Why not?"
Driver - "Cos I've got asthma, one blow and I'll be in a coughing fit"
Cop - "Then I'm gonna have to ask for a blood test"
Driver - "Can't do that"
Cop - "Why not?"
Driver - "Cos I'm a haemophiliac, one prick and there'll be blood all over the place"
Cop - "Then I'm gonna have to ask you to get out of the car and walk a straight line"
Driver - "Can't do that"
Cop - "Why not?"
Driver - "Cos I'm stuffen drunk you a$$hole"
ROLFMLFMAOOOOOO dude.
I'm trying to download some of his schit on Kazaa but i can't get anything. Know where i can download some of his albums? (LMFAOO@buying them being out of the question)
I'll ask my mate - he's downloaded all of them.
A hillbilly’s rocking in a rocking chair in front of the local general store when an outsider approaches him and asks what they do around here.
To which the hillbilly replies – “Nutin but hunt ‘n stuff”
The outsider asks – “What do you hunt?”
The hillbilly replies – “Sumthin to stuff”
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I'll ask my mate - he's downloaded all of them.
A hillbilly’s rocking in a rocking chair in front of the local general store when an outsider approaches him and asks what they do around here.
To which the hillbilly replies – “Nutin but hunt ‘n stuff”
The outsider asks – “What do you hunt?”
The hillbilly replies – “Sumthin to stuff”
roflfmflaoooo, love hilbilly and redneck jokes. :lol
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:rollin
Q - How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A - Kick his sister in the chin.
Wife says to her husband - "Wanna get some breakfast?"
Husband - "Nah, not hungry, must be the viagra, got no appetite"
A few hours later -
Wife - "Wanna get some lunch, maybe a sandwich and some fruit?"
Husband - "Nah, it's the Viagra, got no appetite at all"
Few hours later -
Wife - "Wanna get some dinner, a burger, some fries, perhaps a pizza?"
Husband - "Nah, not hungry at all, the Viagra's completely destroyed my appetite"
Wife - "Well would you mind getting the stuff off me, I'm starving"
Sorry to bore you guys who don't find this funny.
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LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Harrison
Thanks for your picks of the bunch. !
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OK - This one's for Ox.
Ox and JohnF are walking down the road when they see 2 dogs going for it on a front lawn.
Ox turns to John and says - "Geez, I'd love to get my wife like that"
John replies - "No worries, it's easy. Just give her 2 shots of tequila and you'll be bonking her like that in no time".
The next day they meet again and John asks - "So, how'd you go?"
Ox - "Yeah, it was great, and she loved it".
John - "So did you give her 2 shots of tequila?"
Ox - "Nah, I gave her 4 shots"
John - "4? Why 4?"
Ox - "Well, 2 shots to get her in the mood, and 2 shots to get her out on the front lawn".
:rollin
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RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOFFLFMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO :rollin
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ROFO MOFO ROFLMFAFOOOOO
LMAO@ Sparing no xpense to get my mrs in the right mood. :thumbsup
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Here's some oldies but goodies.
You might be a redneck if........
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
You're an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
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LMAO tiga.
I was dancing with a redneck girl once and when I went to spin her around she grew a few inches taller. I asked her what was happening to which she replied - "you're unscrewing my wooden leg".
:lol
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LMAOOOO Boys
Without prejudice;
The 4 signs that prove Geez was Jewish.
1-He lived at home until he was in his 30s
2-Took over the Fathers bizness
3-He thought his mother ws a virgin
4-His mother thought he was God. :rollin
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A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"
A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Suzy declares, "I want to be a prostitute."
"What did you say?!" asks the nun, totally shocked.
"I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzy repeats.
"Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'"
Q. Why can't Anglicans play chess?
A. Because they can't tell a Bishop from a Queen.
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Sorry - this one just came to me (slow day at work)
An old man goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I need help. Every morning at 7 o'clock I take a big leak, then at 8 o'clock I take a healthy dump".
The doctor says - "So what's the problem then?"
Old man replies - "I don't get up till 9 o'clock".
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Rutting on the floor LMFAO
Keep 'em coming.
Here's a few more. (Think these ones have been around for a while)
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
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Rutting on the floor LMFAO
Keep 'em coming.
Here's a few more. (Think these ones have been around for a while)
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
LMAO -
Every night for 20 years Irvin Schwartz get's on his knees and prays - "Lord, it's me Irvin Schwartz, I'm a good Jewish man, I'm a good husband, a good father, can you please let me, Irvin Schwartz win the lottery at least once". Every night for 20 years Irvin Schwartz get's to his knees and prays - "Lord, it's me Irvin Schwartz, I'm a good jewish man, I'm a good family man, I go to temple every week, Lord can you please let me, Irvin Schwartz at least once in my life, win the lottery". Every night, every night, Irvin Schwartz is praying.
After 20 years the heavens open up and the Lord yells - "IRVIN !!! IF YOU WANNA WIN THE LOTTERY YOU HAVE TO BUY A stuffen TICKET !!!"
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:lol :rollin :lol :rollin :lol Cracking stuffen up
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
A: "Is anything OK?"
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FLMFAOOOOOOO :rollin at all you guys! I almost wet myself! Quick someone pass me my "Depend" ;D
A nice relaxed atmosphere here without fear of being banned or disparaged for having a wicked sense of humour. :cheers
If you build it they will come. And they did. And they saw that it was good. :D
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:rollin :rollin :lol :lol rollin
Well today's productivity has been an all time low. :lol
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
A: "Is anything OK?"
Jackie actually uses the above joke in his routine.
A Jew, an Italian, and a Black man are sitting at a bar and see an old man walk in. The Jew says - "Look at that old guy, he's so old he could be god. Let's buy him a drink". After the drink is served the ld man comes over to the three and say's - "I just want to say thank you for the drink". The Jew replies - "Well old timer, the only reason we bought you a drink was because you look so old that we thought you could be god". "Well, I am god", says the old man. He looks at the Jew, puts his hand on his head and says - "Undiagnosed brain tumour - you've got 6 moths to live" He raises his hands to the heavens, "But now you are cured and will live a healthy life".
He looks at the Italian and puts his hand on his chest - "Undiagnosed lung cancer - you've got 2 months to live". He raises his arms and says - "But now you are cured".
He looks at the black man and before he can place his hand on him the black guy says - "God, get your stuffen hands off me. I'm on disability".
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roflfmaooooooo Prince Harry Hedgehog.
Told ya you'd like the ambience here Tiga. If only you made the move half a year ago!
Here's some jokes for our Italian brethren.
Q. Why is it that most Italian Men are called Tony?
A. When they boarded the boat to America, they stamped To NY on their foreheads...
Q. How is the Italian version of Christmas different?
A. One Mary, one Geez, and 32 wise guys.
Bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."
Q: What language do the Vatican Police speak?
A: Pig Latin!
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:rollin :rollin :lol :lol rollin
Well today's productivity has been an all time low. :lol
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
A: "Is anything OK?"
Jackie actually uses the above joke in his routine.
lmfaoooooo! I know the idiot will be a crack up.
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LMAOOOOO - :scream :rollin
You've just reminded me of another one.
An Italian father turns to his son and says - "Tony, why a you sucha fat stuff a?. His son replies - "A pappa, it'sa mamma's spaghetti, it'sa so beutiful I just can't helpa but eat it". The father say's - "You gotta take-a smaller bites". He then turns to his other son. "And you Enzo, why a you sucha fat stuff a? His son replies - "A pappa, it'sa mamma's lazagna, it'sa so beutiful I just can't helpa but eat it". The father say's - "Hey Enzo, you gotta take-a smaller bites". He then turns to his third son and say's "And you Michael, how-a you manage to stay-a so slim?" His son replies - "It's-a easy pappa, I eat-a lot's and lot's of pussy". "Pussy?" says the father - "that tastes like-a schit". "A pappa" says the son - "You gotta take-a smaller bites".
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Told ya you'd like the ambience here Tiga. If only you made the move half a year ago!
JF, I didn't know OER existed until I found you at Bigfooty.
As Van Morrison would say..."The Craic is good"
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A guy goes to the doctor and says “Doc, I need your help. Every morning I wake up I have sex with my wife before work, then when I get to work the young assistant follows me to the photocopying room so I bang her on the Xerox machine, then at lunchtime I take the secretary to a hotel room and give it to her, then after lunch the bosses wife comes in when the boss ain’t there so I lay her on the bosses desk in his office. When I go home there’s the maid on all fours, so I give it to her from behind, then before the baby sitter leaves I take her up stairs and bang her senseless, then after dinner I bang my wife again before I go to sleep".
The doctor asks – “Then what’s the problem?”
- “It hurts when I jerk off”.
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ROFLFMLAOOOOOO!!!!! funny schit.
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Been watching this thread all afternoon and having a good old laugh lol
I'm thinking JohnF's in his element.
Wish i had some but them's the breaks
Keep 'em coming guys :bow
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- How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
- If it were invented by anyone else it would have been called a teethbrush. :rollin
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JohnF - my mate downloaded the albums using iMesh or other file sharing programs. Just search for Jackie Martling or his CD's.
3 guys and 1 girl are stranded on a deserted island.
After 1 week the girl is so ashamed at what she's doing she kills herself.
After another week the guys are so ashamed at what they're doing they bury her.
After another week the guys are so ashamed at what they're doing they dig her up again.
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Q) What's black and goes around corners ?
A) A welfare line.
A jewish girl marries a Greek guy.
18 months into the marriage the mother receives a phone call from the daughter
pleading with the mother to come to her home immediately.
The mother rushes to the aid of her only child to find her in tears and hunched over the kitchen sink.
"What is the matter darlink?" asks the mother.
"Well mother,"says the distraught girl,
"When I first mariied Nik my arshole was the size of a 10 cent coin,
now it's as big as a 50 piece .......and I'm thinking of leaving him !!"
The mother,shocked, looks around the triple story home complete with triple garage and triple tennis court and says,
"You're willing to give up this over 40 cents ????"
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LMAO Ox :rollin think I heard that one on one of martlings CDS's. Not sure which one.
Here's a good one. Probably one of my favourites along with the wife on the front lawn one -
A jew gets into a cab and as they're driving down the road they see a man beating and punching into an old lady. The cabbie swerves to the side of the road and jumps out to help the old lady. As the cab driver's wrestling with the man, the Jew winds down his window and yells out hysterically - "STOP IT!!! STOP IT!!! STOP THE METER!!!"
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Great last couple of jokes.
lmfaoooooooooo@picking on the Jews. Oh well, if we must.
Here's some more:
Q. What's the name of a face lotion developed for Jewish women?
A. Oil of Oy Vay
When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realised he didn't have his head covered...so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over.
Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand.
The father said, "This is important...put your hand back on his head!"
-to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I my brother's kipah?"
One day, Shlomo is crossing the street and gets knocked down by a car. Although only slightly hurt, an ambulance is called. When it arrives, the attendant puts a blanket over Shlomo and a pillow under his head and asks, "Sir, are you comfortable?"
Shlomo looks up and says, "Vell, I make a living!"
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JohnF - my mate downloaded the albums using iMesh or other file sharing programs. Just search for Jackie Martling or his CD's.
lol, cool bro, thanks. i'll give it a go.
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Well done boys, I've been entertained for half an hour here. Keep 'em coming :lol :thumbsup
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LMAOOOOO Boys.
See u in Hell :thumbsup
A jewish couple attend a session with a marriage counsellor that was recommended to them by their rabbi.
The Dr welcomes his patients,projects a relaxed atmosphere then asks the woiman to speak first.
"Well doctor" says the woman,
"We have been married now for 4 years and in this time he has been a good husband,
providing all the necessities for a comfortable kosher lifestyle.
He is a wonderful father and I could not wish for better.
Our sex life is as good as one can expect when seperated by a sheet,however,
there is one small issue I would like to speak with you about please doctor.
I enjoy all positions and will even perform oral sex when asked.......but the finger in the ars.. I draw the line at this !!" she said.
The doctor spins his chair to face the husband and asks him if he would like to comment.
The husband answers,
"My finger,My arshole !!!
:rollin
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Ox: See u in Hell :thumbsup
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam.
Bonus Question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?"
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed or some variant, but fell short in producing a demonstration argument.
One student however wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the Rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul Gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for How many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
Considering then the postulate presented to me by Teresa K. during my Freshman year: that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and taking into account the fact that over two years later, I still have not succeeded in having relations with her; then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
The student received the only "A" given."
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LMAO boys - great jokes.
Here's a classic -
3 gay guys attend the cremation of a former lover.
The first gay guy says - "After he's cremated, I'd like to sprinkle his ashes into the ocean, cos he so loved it when we used to go sailing".
The second gay guy says - "After he's cremated, I'd like to sprinkle his ashes in my garden, cos he so loved it when I used to bring him flowers".
The third gay guy says - "After he's cremated, I'd like to sprinkle his ashes on some hot chili, cos I'd love it if he could tear apart my hole one last time".
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Bonus Question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?"
I'm sure Ox would have some contacts down there to find out the real answer to this perplexing poser. :rollin
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Here is an oldie but a goodie.
A Man comes home from work one night and greets his wife with some flowers.
He says in a cheery voice "Hello Darling, I've got this nice big bunch of flowers for you!"
The Wife suspecting an ulterior motive says " I suppose I'll have to open my legs for them?"
To which the Husband replies "what? Haven't you got a vase big enough??" :rollin
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A chinese couple had a black baby.
Called it Sum Tin Wong.
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OK - here's another one. Tell me when to stop.
A girl’s on the witness stand and sobbing away says – “I was walking down the side walk when he came out of nowhere and grabbed me. He dragged me down an alleyway, ripped off my top and pulled down my panties. He then bent me over a garbage can, and…..and…..then I can’t remember anything after that”.
The judge says – “MAKE SOMETHING UP!!! MAKE SOMETHING UP!!!”
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A Chinese couple are having sex in bed and the husband says - "I wan a 69". The wife replies - "Why you wan beef an brocholli now?"
:lol
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ROFLMFAOOOOO Hassle the Hoff. Keep em' coming
Here's one:
Sonia enrolled in nursing school and was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was “involuntary muscles”.
The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks Sonia if she knows what her arshole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure!!" Sonia says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."
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LMAO John.
A guy's telling his mate about his first time experience of jumping out of a plane as a marine. He was the last one in line to jump and couldn't do it - he was petrified. The Commanding General in charge said to him -"Listen son, I'm gay, and there's only one way you're gonna get out of this". His mate asked him "So did you jump?" He replied - "A little at first".
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A couple of Jewish ones.
A Jewish girl says to her father - "Daddy, Daddy, can I have 50 dollars?"
The father replies - "40 dollars? Why do you want 30 dollars for?
A Jewish child molester -
- "Hey kid, you wanna buy some candy".
:rollin :rollin :rollin :lol :lol :lol
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A 75 year old man with completely white hair marries a 22 old girl and gets her pregnant. She gives birth and at the maternatiy ward the old man asks the nurse - "So how'd I do?"
The nurse replies - "She gave birth to twins".
"A-ha ha ha!!!" yelled the old man with delight, "even though there's snow on the roof, doesn't mean there's no fire in the furnace".
"Yeah, well", says the nurse, "you better change filters cos both the babies are black".
:lol :rollin
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ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFLFMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Rivkah went to her doctor for a check up. Afterwards, the doctor said to her, "I must inform you that you have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle."
As soon as she got home, Rivkah said to her husband, "Moishie, you vouldn't belief it. I vent to the doctah and he told me - 'You haf a fish in your uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a mackerel'"
A Frenchman, a German and a Jew are lost in the desert, wandering for days.
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have some wine."
The German says, "I'm tired and I'm thirsty. I must have a beer."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and I'm thirsty. I must have diabetes."
Doctor to patient:
Mordy, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you're not a hypochondriac.
Young David asked his rich grandfather, Abe, how he had made his money. Abe said, "Well, David, it was 1955, and I was down to my last five cents. I went to the local market and invested that five cents in a large apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested the ten cents in two large apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and I sold them at 5pm for twenty cents. I continued this system for a month. Then Grandma’s father died and left us two million dollars."
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A couple of Jewish ones.
A Jewish girl says to her father - "Daddy, Daddy, can I have 50 dollars?"
The father replies - "40 dollars? Why do you want 30 dollars for?
A Jewish child molester -
- "Hey kid, you wanna buy some candy".
:rollin :rollin :rollin :lol :lol :lol
These ones are great, still ROFLFMAO
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Rollin :rollin
JAckies got hundreds of jokes - I've just scratched the surface.
An old man goes to the doctors and after a thorough check up the doctor says "I've got some bad news - you've got cancer and alzheimer’s". The old guy say's "geez, that's no good, thank god I don't have cancer".
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FRORFLAFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Boys.
How can u tell the Jewish house at easter
It has rabbit traps in the front yard.
LMAOOO@This post by a disgruntled Four by two
""Rabbi Jokes" and Anti-Semitic Google bombing jealousy
"Rabbi Jokes", as a phrase, is now being Google-bombed by Anti-Semites. I've known about this for a while, but didn't want to publicize it in terms of giving the campaign any attention. But it look like it's being promoted now, and in a very strange case of (I used this term literally) Nazi jealousy. "
Q)Why did the Jew like to watch porno movies in reverse?
A)Because he liked to see the hooker gIve the money back
There's an old adage (and if you stay alert these days, you'll easily see ample evidence to bear it out ) that an " anti-semite " is not so much one who hates Jews as it is one who is hated by the Jews ."
LMOOOOOOO
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ROFLMAO - Ox
Not that I got anything against Jews but there are some good joke out there.
Did you hear about the Rabbi who refused to eat his wife cos she was a pig?
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I'm loving this thread boys...keep it going :thumbsup
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A Jewish woman rings the newspaper to put in a tribute to her recently departed husband Frank. Upon dictating her message of "Goodbye Frank", the newspaper staff member says "You can use five words for the same price as two ma'am"
"Okay', she said. "Goodbye Frank. Volvo for sale" :lol
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Same Harry.
We're all flesh and blood at the end of the day and no-ones going to heaven or hell
so lets laugh about it now.
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FLMAOOOO Fwoy & Ox :lol :lol
stuff it - people need to relax.
I love jokes about Jews, Blacks, Italians, Irish, Rednecks, Catholics............umm that just reminded me .......
A priest is teaching a nun how to swim.
The nun says - "Father, will I really sink if you pull your finger out?"
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ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFLFMLFMLAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUSICKMUTHAFUKKERSLMFAOOOOOOOOO!!!
Jewish jokes are the best. Mostly because they are invented by Jews themselves who as we all know are witty, neutoric, hilarious (and tight, roflmfaooo!)
Q: Why do Jewish women always go for men who are circumcised?
A: Because they find it hard to refuse anything with 10% off.
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.....he he he......here's another great one .......he he he :lol
A middle aged divorcee has always wanted to sleep with a black guy, always fantasised about being with a black guy, so she goes to a bar, has a few drinks, meets a black guy, takes him home, takes him to her room, takes off all her clothes, lies on her bed, spreads her legs wide open and says - "OK pal, do what you do best". So the black guy takes the TV and runs out the door.
:lol :lol
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LFMFAFOOFFMYFACEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO00000000000000000000000000
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:lol
Here's some more for you sick bastards.
A guy see's a woman walking towards him and says - "Hey lady, is that a tampon sticking out of your mouth?" The lady says - "stuff!! What did I do with my cigarette?"
A guy's walking from the left and another guy's walking from the right, the guy from the left is dragging his right leg and the guy from the right is dragging his left leg. The guy from the left asks - "Hey man, what happened to you?" "Vietnam 1969" he replies "how about you?" "Me? Dog schit 2 blocks back".
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LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun."
The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."
"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.
"What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!"
"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."
Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?
A: Yellow in the front, Brown in the back!
Q: How are a hockey goalie and a Polish woman alike?
A: They both change their pads after 3 periods.
Q: Why did the kiwi cross the road?
A: He couldn't get his idiot out of the chicken.
Q: How do you break a Jew's finger?
A: Hit him on the nose.
Q: What would you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?
A: Genghis Cohen
Q: Hear about the new movie that's frightening Jewish women?
A: It's called, "Debby Does Dishes."
Q: How did the Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
A: 'Your mother pays retail!""
Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails so long and beautiful?
A: Nothing, nothing at all
Q: Define: Genius:
A: A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
Q: What's the last thing Geez heard?
A: Cross your legs, we've got only three nails.
Three friends - Aboriginal, Jew and Australian, spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub. One night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three. The next day, the publican is surprised to see the Australian - who assumed dead - walked through the door. The Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we pay him $20."
"Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?"
"The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it."
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ROFLMFMAOOOOOOYO
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Two flies land on a piece of schit.
One fly lifts his leg and let's out a huge fart.
The other fly says - "Geeeez man!! Can't you see I'm trying to eat".
:lol :lol heheheheh....so stupid yet so funny.
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ROFLFMAOOOOOOOOO!
Gross, but :rollin
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Q. What is the difference between and Aboriginal and a computer ?
A. You only have to punch the information into the computer once.
What do you call a bunch of white people running down a hill? avalanch
What do you call a bunch of black people running down a hill? mudslide
What do you call a bunch of mexicans running down a hill? jail break
Mate I know some pissa racist jokes but I dont want to go to far so I start slowly until I am warned.
Ohh and I am not racist by the way - Just like a laugh.
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Man Show Haiku
I like to beat it
Until the lotion runs out
Then I watch TV :rollin
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Ohh and I am not racist by the way - Just like a laugh.
Me neither :rollin
How do you know you're at an Aboriginal funeral?
The garbage truck drives down main street with its headlights on!
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- What would you call a gay dinosour?
- A Mega-sore-ass
- What would you call a lesbian dinosour?
- A Lik-alot-a-puss
he he he :lol
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- What do you call a bra in german?
- Stop-zem-from-floppin.
- How do you say constipation in German?
- Far-from-poopin.
he he he - so stupid I know but I can't help but :lol.
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Haaaaaaa!! Here's a couple more for you crazy folk.
What did the brown gerbil say to the white gerbil?
"Hey dude, you must be new around here"
:rollin :rollin :rollin
A middle aged couple are having dinner and the husband says -"Honey, I think you should go bra-less".
The wife asks -"Why, do you think my breasts are still perky?".
The husband replies -"Nah, but it might help pull the wrinkles out from your face".
:lol :lol :lol
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Here's an oldie but a goodie.... Thanks to Steven Wright
This guy gets onto a bus and sits next to this beautiful blonde Chinese girl.
He proceeds to start some small talk...
Guy: Nice day.
Girl: I guess...
Guy: What do you mean you guess??
Girl: Well actually, I'm not feeling too great at the moment.
Guy: Why don't you tell me your problems..
Girl: Why Should I? I don't know you!
Guy: Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a stranger on a Bus.
Girl: Ummm I guess so. It might make me feel better. Okay here goes... My shrink tells me that I'm a raving nymphomaniac and I can only make love to Jewish Cowboys! My name is Elaine by the way.
Guy: Nice to meet you Elaine. I'm Bucky Goldstein. :rollin
Boom Tish! ;D
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LMAO