Jackie Martling

[JohnF]

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOFFLFMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[Ox]

ROFO MOFO ROFLMFAFOOOOO

LMAO@ Sparing no xpense to get my mrs in the right mood.

[tiga]

Here's some oldies but goodies.

You might be a redneck if........

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
You're an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

[Harry]

LMAO tiga.

I was dancing with a redneck girl once and when I went to spin her around she grew a few inches taller.  I asked her what was happening to which she replied - "you're unscrewing my wooden leg".

 

[Ox]

LMAOOOO Boys

Without prejudice;

The 4 signs that prove Geez was Jewish.


1-He lived at home until he was in his 30s

2-Took over the Fathers bizness

3-He thought his mother ws a virgin

4-His mother thought he was God.

[Ox]

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"





A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Suzy declares, "I want to be a prostitute."

"What did you say?!" asks the nun, totally shocked.

"I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzy repeats.

"Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'"




Q. Why can't Anglicans play chess?

A. Because they can't tell a Bishop from a Queen.

[Harry]

Sorry - this one just came to me (slow day at work)

An old man goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I need help.  Every morning at 7 o'clock I take a big leak, then at 8 o'clock I take a healthy dump".
The doctor says - "So what's the problem then?"
Old man replies - "I don't get up till 9 o'clock".

[JohnF]

Rutting on the floor LMFAO

Keep 'em coming. 

Here's a few more. (Think these ones have been around for a while)


A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

[Harry]

Rutting on the floor LMFAO

Keep 'em coming. 

Here's a few more. (Think these ones have been around for a while)


A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

LMAO -

Every night for 20 years Irvin Schwartz get's on his knees and prays - "Lord, it's me Irvin Schwartz, I'm a good Jewish man, I'm a good husband, a good father, can you please let me, Irvin Schwartz win the lottery at least once".   Every night for 20 years Irvin Schwartz get's to his knees and prays - "Lord, it's me Irvin Schwartz, I'm a good jewish man, I'm a good family man, I go to temple every week, Lord can you please let me, Irvin Schwartz at least once in my life, win the lottery".  Every night, every night, Irvin Schwartz is praying.
After 20 years the heavens open up and the Lord yells - "IRVIN !!!  IF YOU WANNA WIN THE LOTTERY YOU HAVE TO BUY A stuffen TICKET !!!"   

[JohnF]

         Cracking stuffen up


Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."


Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
A: "Is anything OK?"


 

[tiga]

FLMFAOOOOOOO   at all you guys! I almost wet myself! Quick someone pass me my "Depend"  

A nice relaxed atmosphere here without fear of being banned or disparaged for having a wicked sense of humour.  

If you build it they will come. And they did. And they saw that it was good.  

[Harry]

   rollin

Well today's productivity has been an all time low.  

Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
A: "Is anything OK?"

Jackie actually uses the above joke in his routine.

A Jew, an Italian, and a Black man are sitting at a bar and see an old man walk in.  The Jew says - "Look at that old guy, he's so old he could be god.  Let's buy him a drink".  After the drink is served the ld man comes over to the three and say's - "I just want to say thank you for the drink".  The Jew replies - "Well old timer, the only reason we bought you a drink was because you look so old that we thought you could be god".  "Well, I am god", says the old man.  He looks at the Jew, puts his hand on his head and says - "Undiagnosed brain tumour - you've got 6 moths to live"  He raises his hands to the heavens, "But now you are cured and will live a healthy life".  
He looks at the Italian and puts his hand on his chest - "Undiagnosed lung cancer - you've got 2 months to live".  He raises his arms and says - "But now you are cured".
He looks at the black man and before he can place his hand on him the black guy says - "God, get your stuffen hands off me.  I'm on disability".

[JohnF]

roflfmaooooooo Prince Harry Hedgehog.

Told ya you'd like the ambience here Tiga. If only you made the move half a year ago!

Here's some jokes for our Italian brethren.

Q. Why is it that most Italian Men are called Tony?
A. When they boarded the boat to America, they stamped To NY on their foreheads...

Q. How is the Italian version of Christmas different?
A. One Mary, one Geez, and 32 wise guys.


Bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."


Q: What language do the Vatican Police speak?
A: Pig Latin!

[JohnF]

 rollin

Well today's productivity has been an all time low.  

Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
A: "Is anything OK?"

Jackie actually uses the above joke in his routine.

lmfaoooooo! I know the idiot will be a crack up.

[Harry]

LMAOOOOO -  

You've just reminded me of another one.

An Italian father turns to his son and says - "Tony, why a you sucha fat stuff a?.  His son replies - "A pappa, it'sa mamma's spaghetti, it'sa so beutiful I just can't helpa but eat it".  The father say's - "You gotta take-a smaller bites".  He then turns to his other son.  "And you Enzo, why a you sucha fat stuff a?  His son replies - "A pappa, it'sa mamma's lazagna, it'sa so beutiful I just can't helpa but eat it".  The father say's - "Hey Enzo, you gotta take-a smaller bites".   He then turns to his third son and say's "And you Michael, how-a you manage to stay-a so slim?"  His son replies - "It's-a easy pappa, I eat-a lot's and lot's of pussy".  "Pussy?" says the father - "that tastes like-a schit".  "A pappa" says the son - "You gotta take-a smaller bites".