One-Eyed Richmond Forum

Football => Richmond Rant => Topic started by: tiga on January 13, 2009, 11:53:30 PM

Title: We can be Journo's
Post by: tiga on January 13, 2009, 11:53:30 PM: Okay, here is a challenge or not so much...We have all seen how the current crop of sports Journo's are pulling stories on Ben Cousins out of their behind so lets see if we can beat them at their own game. Have a catchy headline followed by a short story. One mandatory criteria...you need to include the "Burly man" somewhere in your story.

I'll kick things off....

BEN COUSIN'S TRAFFICKING FOR A SCORE

Ben Cousins has recently been seen driving in Melbourne's peak hour traffic in an apparent attempt to seek a carbon monoxide high from car fumes. Since his move to Melbourne, Ben has been a regular commuter on the very busy Punt Rd during Peak hour and is more often than not been in the company of an unidentified burly man during his trips. Sources say that a high derived from carbon monoxide is currently undetectable with the current screening processes.
Many important questions need to be asked....
Why would someone drive with the top down on their car at this time of the year?
Why does Ben drive so regularly on Punt Rd between 5 & 7pm most weeknights?
Was Ben's real motive to play with a Melbourne based club a deliberate attempt to drink from the fountain of Melbourne's regularly notorious traffic jams?
Were Ben's trips to LA really for rehabilitation? or was it a premeditated attempt to score a bit of pure "L.A Brown", the finest uncut smog known to man.

Until current testing procedures catch up with this loophole in the testing regime I guess we will never know.

This is Day-me-ann Carrot reporting for the Sunday Morning Bog.
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: Smokey on January 14, 2009, 09:08:53 AM: :scream :clapping :rollin

Excellent work tiga. Why not submit it to the dailys?
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: Chuck17 on January 14, 2009, 11:05:33 AM: That's a crack up Tiga.

Here's my attempt at being a journo

BEN COUSINS GETTING CLEAN OR IS HE

To outward appearances having a dip at the local pool would be seen as a way of getting clean. However this may not be always be the case and when the subject in question is Ben Cousins then all is not as it seems as the exclusive below will show.

Fact; Ben Cosuins was seen at Prahran pool gathering copious amounts of chlorine on his body as he portrayed having a swim.

Observers at the pool noted that Ben was seen to swim and keep a large amount of his body submerged in the water and this would be consistent in gathering maximum amounts of chlorine. Witnesses then noticed that when Cousins left the pool and several suspicious motions where made with a towel that involved having his nose come in close contact with his skin.

Observers also noted a person known only as the "burly man" standing under a tree in dark glasses and a hat in what could only be described as suspicious loitering.

Expert advisors in the field of chlorine state that sniffing chlorine can give a sense of feeling akin to being high. What is yet unproven is can a high be achieved by sniffing chlorine from skin.

Experimental tests in this field are to be commenced by myself and my large nose immediately.

Damien Barret
Reporting for some crap paper
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: Go Richo 12 on January 14, 2009, 11:20:50 AM: How far can Ben Go?

The Herald Sun can exclusively reveal that troubled AFL star, Ben Cousins, was seen sitting next to an acquaintentance who was smoking a cigarrette. In a less than subtle way to recieve a high, Cousins has taken to passive smoking.

Sources close to Cousins deny this, stating that the white stick seen in the mouth of his friend was merely a chuppa-chup, but the Herald sun can confirm that recently Cousins did in fact walk past a man in Chapple St. who was smoking.

This comes hot on the heels of recent troubles for the new Tiger, who has recently been seen drinking mineral water, using listerine and the discovery of a bottle of mineral turpentine in his back shed. Cousins is yet to test positive to any of these substances but has frequently tested positive to attitude, a substance that Cousins has started to deal to all the young players at Punt Road. Tiger officials have turned a blind eye to Cousins and his attitude dealing as this is the first time since Matthew Richardson came 3rd in the Brownlow that anyone was seen to be dealing positive attitudes at the club.....
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: richmondrules on January 14, 2009, 11:48:34 AM: Ben returns to his wayward ways.

Damian Barrett

It can be confirmed that Ben Cousins was yesterday seen in the vicinity as known criminals and drug dealers.

Cousins was spotted at the Prahran swimming pool We can confirm that Prahran is closely bordered by the party district South Yarra and is close to the infamous suburb of St Kilda and the equally infamous Fitzroy Street.

One witness, who asked not to be named, confirmed that they had seen drugs being taken at nightspots around Melbourne. Nightspots similar to those near the Prahran Pool.

It is believed that Carl Williams and murdered hit man Andrew 'Benji' Veniamin have at times been seen both in, and driving through St Kilda and South Yarra.

Mick Gatto, when asked about his relationship with Cousins replied, "I don't know him." An attempt do divert attention away from Cousins presence in Melbourne.

It is time that the AFL ask Cousins exactly what his association with these underworld figures is. It seems obvious that "the Burly Man" must have some friends also.

The mere fact that Cousins is in Prahran is damning considering he is recovering from drug addiction.

The big loser in all this will be Richmond. Cousins is sure to bring the whole club into disrepute by associating so closely to know criminals. I predict the Tigers will finish 16th on the ladder next year.

Gary March replied "What the hell are you talking about?" when asked about Cousins recent behaviour. The club obviously has no idea what it's star recruit is up to.
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: wayne on January 14, 2009, 12:10:19 PM: Quote from: RROFO on January 14, 2009, 11:48:34 AM
Ben returns to his wayward ways.

Damian Barrett

It can be confirmed that Ben Cousins was yesterday seen in the vicinity as known criminals and drug dealers.

Cousins was spotted at the Prahran swimming pool We can confirm that Prahran is closely bordered by the party district South Yarra and is close to the infamous suburb of St Kilda and the equally infamous Fitzroy Street.

One witness, who asked not to be named, confirmed that they had seen drugs being taken at nightspots around Melbourne. Nightspots similar to those near the Prahran Pool.

It is believed that Carl Williams and murdered hit man Andrew 'Benji' Veniamin have at times been seen both in, and driving through St Kilda and South Yarra.

Mick Gatto, when asked about his relationship with Cousins replied, "I don't know him." An attempt do divert attention away from Cousins presence in Melbourne.

It is time that the AFL ask Cousins exactly what his association with these underworld figures is. It seems obvious that "the Burly Man" must have some friends also.

The mere fact that Cousins is in Prahran is damning considering he is recovering from drug addiction.

The big loser in all this will be Richmond. Cousins is sure to bring the whole club into disrepute by associating so closely to know criminals. I predict the Tigers will finish 16th on the ladder next year.

Gary March replied "What the hell are you talking about?" when asked about Cousins recent behaviour. The club obviously has no idea what it's star recruit is up to.

You're not really Damien Barrett are you :lol
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: richmondrules on January 14, 2009, 12:23:42 PM: Quote from: wayne on January 14, 2009, 12:10:19 PM
You're not really Damien Barrett are you :lol

My secrets out!!!!! :outtahere
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: tiga on January 14, 2009, 12:42:15 PM: These are all fantastic!! And more entertaining than our career counterparts!! Keep em coming guys! :rollin :rollin :rollin

ROFLMFAOOO@ RROFO and his six degree's of separation :rollin
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: 2JD on January 14, 2009, 06:12:31 PM: COUSINS GOES BANANAS

Ben Cousins was seen today shopping at a supermarket near the infamous Prahran pool. A regular customer at the store said "Ben was very haphazard in his choice of fruit and vegetables, bypassing organicly grown bananas in favour of genetically modified ones and choosing imported oranges instead of Australian grown. I think it is deplorable that a person in the public eye as he is, isnt seen to be supporting the poor aussie farmers! He's just unaustralian!"
On further investigation it was also noted that his trolley consisted of milk with added calcium, orange juice with added iron and fibre plus cereal with anti oxidants. It seems Cousins just cant resisting adding extras to everything he consumes. Another source close to the supermarket said that Cousins often buys real coke and full cream milk and occaisionally splurges on a family block of Cadbury rum and raisin chocolate.
Richmond, the club who threw the troubled star a lifeline, may have bitten off more than they can chew. If Cousins keeps up this behaviour they may be forced to call in Jenny Craig, an expert on weight loss, at further cost to the club.
The burly man on the register said "Ben is a regular her and can spend anything from 15 to 30 minutes shopping"

Damian Someone....writing for a very reputable paper
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: richmondrules on January 14, 2009, 08:25:54 PM: lol 2JD.

So the burly man is in disguise as a checkout chick. FBI? CIA?
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: yellowandback on January 14, 2009, 09:37:03 PM: TIGERS PUT COUSINS ON ICE

Richmond assistant coach Brian Royal indicated today that Tiger star Ben Cousins pre season would be modified to help Cousins adjust to the rigours of AFL football.
Ex-drug addict Cousins, who has had nearly 2 years out of game, has been held back from taking part in full pre season timing with Royal saying that the Tigers wanted him "cherry ripe" for Round 1.
The embattled star, who has had ongoing hamstring injuries which culminated in a serious tear during the 2007 final against Collingwood, is also believed to be taking ballet lessons to strengthen his upper leg muscles after talking to ex-Tiger Michael Gale who successfully used the same techniques through the 90s.
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: mightytiges on January 15, 2009, 02:43:31 AM: Cousins ties the knot
Journ O'Wannabee
Herald-Sun
15 January 2009

(http://www.barack-obama-now.com/pix-2008/portland-crowd.jpg)
Crowds flocked yesterday to see Ben Cousins stop and tie up his shoelaces.
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: richmondrules on January 15, 2009, 07:45:11 AM: lol MT.

Sad thing is they're all journalists. Oh, except for the black guy in the blue tee shirt near the bottom left corner. He's just some guy who was walking the dog and got caught up in all the fuss. He still doesn't know what's going on but he knows it's bloody annoying.
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: Smokey on January 15, 2009, 09:31:27 AM: Quote from: RROFO on January 15, 2009, 07:45:11 AM

lol MT.

Sad thing is they're all journalists. Oh, except for the black guy in the blue tee shirt near the bottom left corner. He's just some guy who was walking the dog and got caught up in all the fuss. He still doesn't know what's going on but he knows it's bloody annoying.

Nah, he's cool. That's the burly man.
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: mightytiges on January 15, 2009, 01:27:42 PM: :rollin @ smokey. I forgot about the burly man lol.

Cousins stops traffic
Damien Ferret
Herald-Sun
15th January 2009, 1.30pm

Peak hour traffic was halted on Punt Rd this morning when Ben Cousins pressed the button at the pedestrian crossing and the lights turned from green to amber and then to red.

The incident turned ugly when a cyclist tried to walk his bike against the red light and a burly man who was with Cousins grabbed hold of the cyclist's lycra shorts and gave him a massive wedgey.
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: 2JD on January 15, 2009, 03:18:05 PM: lol these are great! Good for a laugh like Barretts usual stuff. (I think the burly man is the new serial pest) lol
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: DallasCrane on January 15, 2009, 04:18:08 PM: Cousins' 'trip' to Bunnings
by Scotty Parma

New Tiger recruit Ben Cousins was seen strolling through Bunnings warehouse late yesterday afternoon. Our spy close to the action believes that Ben had a little mishap when he was moving his sofa into his new apartment and chipped the plasterboard as he moved it in. It's understood that Ben may have needed two tubes of Polyfilla such was the dent he put in the wall. A club spokesman later confirmed that Ben was 'renting' an apartment in Melbourne at this stage and 'was hoping to leave the place in good nick when it comes time to get his bond back' The spokesman refused to be drawn on whether any white powder was left on the carpet after the sofa mishap.

On a side note, all of Bunnings stores across Australia stock a type of cactus that is a distant relative of the hallucinogenic Peyote cactus, used for centuries by big, burly native American Indian tribes, but more recently by hell-bent youth that are seeking a similar experience to an LSD trip. The strains that Bunnings sells are non-hallucinogenic, and it must be stressed that at no stage did Ben actually go near the garden section. He did however walk through the treated pine section. Some of the chemicals used in treated pine are some of the same found in the party drug GHB, or colloquially known as GBH- Grievous Bodily Harm.

Keep on punchin,

Scotty
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: 2JD on January 15, 2009, 05:32:01 PM: COUSINS......WHATS THE CATCH?

Ben Cousins and a few friends took a charter boat out onto the bay for a bit of R&R and to get away from the media for a few hours. A reliable source on a second boat, 100 metres away with high powered binoculars, observed Cousins reeling in what appeared to be a giant swordfish, a highly unusual fish to be found in Port Phillip Bay. Is it a courier fish with a homing device delivering unknown substances to the fishermen? One of his companions, believed to be the "burleyman" jumped overboard to attract the fish and help bring the catch aboard.

Damn-I-Am BS-artist
Serald Hun
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: WilliamPowell on January 15, 2009, 05:51:58 PM: Restaurant Forced to Close

HUN Exclusive

Story by: Ima Neverwas

A Prahran restaurant has been forced to close because Ben Cousins had not been spotted there.

"We have no choice" lamented owner of "No Fries With That" Biscoe Brainless

"We are within walking distance to the pool and thought we were guaranteed Ben's patronage after his swim, especially after the burly man had a latte here. But it just didn't happen, we are extremely annoyed and disappointed with Ben's attitude towards us".

Cafe workers confirmed that the burly man did not have to pay for his latte or his cinnamon donut.

Other cafes and restaurants in the area are also concerned about their futures since the Brownlow Medallist and new Tiger recruit ignored their establishments after his swim.

"It is a real worry" another local shop owner said "it is tough enough in the current economic climate but to be snubbed in such away is totally "Un-Australian"
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: Fishfinger on January 15, 2009, 05:55:30 PM: Quote from: WilliamPowell on January 15, 2009, 05:51:58 PM
Biscoe Brainless

Billy's brother?
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: mightytiges on January 15, 2009, 06:06:17 PM: This thread is a ripper ;D

Cousins' mate ate all the food!
Craig Hutchicon
Ben Cousins' apartment's garbage bin
15 January 2009

New Essendon recruit Christian Bock has accused the big burly man sitting with Ben Cousins at the naked Japanese restaurant of eating all the restaurant's food.

"How am I meant to stop looking like a stick figure if people keep eating all the food," the young 202cm bomber rookie exclaimed. It was only the other week I went to Maccas and after serving Stuart Dew it had to close down.

"I sick of everyone teasing me and calling me David Bourke's long lost brother."

(http://www.news.com.au/common/imagedata/0,,6440775,00.jpg)
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: Chuck17 on January 15, 2009, 09:00:15 PM: Thats a cracker MT :thumbsup

OMG, that boy either needs food or medical attention
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: mightytiges on January 15, 2009, 09:24:30 PM: Cousins our only hope to World peace say World leaders
Ben Dover
The Australian - foreign correspondent
15 January 2009

(http://oneeyed-richmond.com/images/other/cousinsworldpress.jpg)
Ben Cousins with the Dalai Lama (left) and United Nations secretary Ban Ki-moon.

World leaders seeing mass crowds of all different nationalities, races and cultures come to a complete instant standstill in peaceful union side by side just to watch Ben Cousins train have implored the new Tiger to train on tour in troubled world hotspots such as the Middle East, Tibet, Zimbabwe and Afghanistan.

The big burly man said anyone who doesn't stop and watch Cuz will have to deal with him.
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: Smokey on January 15, 2009, 10:15:36 PM: Wondered where the Burly Man was MT. ;D
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: tiga on January 16, 2009, 10:01:58 AM: You're on fire MT! :thumbsup But don't say that too loudly around the Dalai Lama :lol
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: mightytiges on January 16, 2009, 12:44:41 PM: LOL tiga

Fatwa on Cousins: Bin Laden
Cory Worthlessington
Al Jezzera
16 January 2009

Al Qaida terrorist leader in hiding Osama Bin Laden was heard for the first time in 8 months yesterday calling for a fatwa on new Richmond recruit Ben Cousins.

In his latest audiotape Bin Laden says, "How am I meant to preach death and destruction to all when I can't get a word in edgeways because this infidel is on the front, back and middle pages of the papers and on the tv and radio news services every #$%& single day!"

"What am I suppose to do to get attention these days. What change my name to Osama Ben Laden?"

In response the big burly man said Cousins is perfectly safe and the authenticity of the tape could not be independently confirmed.
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: tiga on January 16, 2009, 05:17:33 PM: Quote from: mightytiges on January 16, 2009, 12:44:41 PM
LOL tiga

Fatwa on Cousins: Bin Laden
Cory Worthlessington
Al Jezzera
16 January 2009

Al Qaida terrorist leader in hiding Osama Bin Laden was heard for the first time in 8 months yesterday calling for a fatwa on new Richmond recruit Ben Cousins.

In his latest audiotape Bin Laden says, "How am I meant to preach death and destruction to all when I can't get a word in edgeways because this infidel is on the front, back and middle pages of the papers and on the tv and radio news services every #$%& single day!"

"What am I suppose to do to get attention these days. What change my name to Osama Ben Laden?"

In response the big burly man said Cousins is perfectly safe and the authenticity of the tape could not be independently confirmed.

Pure GOLD!! MT :clapping :clapping :thatsgold
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: F0551L on January 16, 2009, 10:19:48 PM: you blokes and girls are too clever missed your true calling in life
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: Smokey on January 16, 2009, 11:03:24 PM: Quote from: 632 RFC on January 16, 2009, 10:19:48 PM
you blokes and girls are too clever missed your true calling in life

More to the point - they have all just proved how easy it is to be a muck-raking, bull-crapping journo. At least our OER guys weren't pretending to be serious and newsworthy.
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: Hellenic Tiger on January 17, 2009, 04:26:49 PM: Breakfast Menu proves Cousins Wrongdoing

A Chapel St Cafe is at the centre of an AFL controversy just weeks after it was revealed Ben Cousins only came to Melborne to get high on the car fumes from traffic snags on Punt Rd.
Ben Cousins has been seen frequenting this cafe every day between 7 and 7:30 every morning and ingesting copius amounts of baked beans on toast. It is believed that since Ben has been banned from Punt Rd he has been looking for something to get him on a high. Sources close to us believe that Ben within 12 hours of having breakfast is on a toxic high and his vision and world seems to be going round in circles. It is understood his love of baked beans is the cause of this. It is also believed that a Heinz truck has been seen parked outside his apartment and taking boxes of some sort of Heinz food to his house although the content of the boxes are not yet known. What was also of interest was that Richmond Ben's footy club on Thursday had an intra club match in preparation for their upcoming season and that Ben was asked to play a loose man in defense with no accountability and no opponent and that his teammates referred to him as Stinky and Smelly and that his coach at quarter time asked him to not drop another one , to hold it and not let it go and Wallace implored him to break the lines off half back not break wind off half back. It is not known yet if these two stories are linked.
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: mightytiges on January 18, 2009, 05:52:06 PM: Warney won't be happy with Cuz taking all the baked beans Tucky lol.

Benny the Water Wally Waster
Tracey Hacksaw
ACA
18 January 2009

Ben Cousins is in trouble again. This time from outraged Prahran residents who have accused the fallen AFL star and new Tiger of being a water wally.

Mr Percy Poppicock of the National Organisation of Local Interration For Environmentivism (N.O.L.I.F.E.) accused Cousins of blantantly flouting local water restrictions.

"I saw him flicking his goggles without care at the Prahran pool. Darn it, he must have wasted up to what ... one ...maybe two or three thousand microlitres of our precious local water. What an absolute disgrace!"

"I realise he is new to our local community but someone needs to let Mr Cousins know we are on stage 3a water restrictions here and he is not above the law," Mr Poppicock said.

ACA sort a response from Cousins and the Richmond Football Club but the big burly club spokesman refused to make comment then slammed the door in our face.

(http://images.newsphotos.com.au/images5/Lores/91101587.jpg)
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: tiga on January 19, 2009, 11:32:15 PM: CARROTT ON A WIRE WITH MAGUIRE
Ben Cousins
Monday 19th January 2009

My night started like any other, slap on a bit of Matrix Men, slip on My Reeboks, Slide into my Nissan and shimmy on down to Dick Smith to check out the latest in electronic equipment with me good mate "Burl's". On the way back from Dick Smith, we decided to stop at the local(RFC sponsorship opportunity)Cafe for a Powerade when out of the corner of my eye I saw two bloke's snuggling in a booth, sucking down pim's at a rate of knot's and wallowing in an air of mutual appreciation. I said to "Burl's"...."check out these two festive characters" to which Burl's replied "Oh Dear or deary me! Ave a closer look Cuz...."It was my arch nemesis, local muckraker and the king of fractured fairytales Damian Carrott and well known Melbourne Underachieving figure Eddie "Lizzy" Maguire! I nearly hurled me "Lite n' Easy". The Cafe owner looked relieved when I held it down and didn't make his joint look like a "late night connex!" I realised that this was an oppotunity too good to miss so Burl's and I casually slid over to within earshot of them, I pulled out my DSE handheld recorder I just purchased and recorded the following conversation...

Carrott: "oh Eddie, you look so ravashing in that pink tie"
Maguire: "why thank you my little scribe...you have just confirmed to me that tonight, I do indeed look quite fetching. Now lets get on with creating...I mean reporting the Ben Cousin's article for tomorrow's paper..."
Carrott: "Righteooo O wonderous one!"
Maguire:"Well according to the D-Man, tomorrow is Ben's first hair sample submission"
Carrott:"How about we say that today a reliable source saw Ben Cousins buying a packet of razorblades from the local supermarket?"
Maguire: "Hmmmm....go on...."
Carrott: "And that, and that, he was also seen recently at an alpaca farm colour matching some natural fibre's and was then followed to a nearby newsagent where he left with a white paper bag which had the unmistakable silhouette of a bottle of Clag?"
Maguire:"Ohhh mmmm I'm almost...I mean.....we're almost there!"
Carrott: And that, and that, and.....Ummmm...that the Alpaca farm was once owned by a well known underworld figure who used to manufacture Alpaca Balaclava's for the discerning criminal?"
Maguire: "You spin me right round, baby right round, Like a record baby...."
Carrott: "I take it you are pleased oh masterful one?"
Maguire:"Is the Collingwood board Pub-shy?....PRINT IT BABY!!"

Burl's was ready to go and clock the pair of them but I held him back. I said "Take it easy Burl's! We need to go right now!!!!"
Burl's replied "But why?"

I whispered back..."For once the Bastard is on the money!"
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: 2JD on January 20, 2009, 06:39:55 AM: HAHAHA! Tiga, very good! thats a masterpiece! :thatsgold
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: Smokey on January 20, 2009, 01:12:34 PM: And we have a winner! A classic Tiga.

:rollin :clapping :rollin
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: richmondrules on January 20, 2009, 02:09:03 PM: Great angle Tiga. lmao.
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: DallasCrane on January 21, 2009, 05:34:11 PM: Cousins dies in tunnel crash
Police:Papparazzi may have caused accident
By Craig Hunchison

(http://www.smh.com.au/ffximage/2007/06/07/diana_car_wideweb__470x362,2.jpg)

In tragic news a car crash has taken the lives of Ben Cousins and his big burly offsider who is only known to police at this stage as 'Dodi'. It is believed that 'Dodi' issued instructions to their chauffeur to 'lose' the pack of photographers and journalists that had been following them for days.
Early tests have revealed that the chauffeur had a significantly high BAC (Blood Alcohol Content). It is believed that toxicology tests on Cousins revealed........nothing.

Cousins' father believes that there is a conspiracy behind the crash. "There are people, including the Demetroos and Maggyres of this world, who didn't want Ben around. I will follow this through right to the end" Messages of grief have flooded into the Herald Sun, as have accusations that we caused the accident. I would just like to state for the record that I was not in pursuit of Ben Cousins. I had actually got my car in front of his when the crash happened.

Craig Hunchison
Herald Sun
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: mightytiges on January 21, 2009, 06:23:13 PM: tiga and DC are turning this into a neverending soap-opera "Bold Ben and the Beautiful" ;D

Ben Cousins Resurrected
Rohan Elijah Connolly
Jerusalem Post
21 January 2009

Ben Cousins' career has been give another chance with Richmond selecting him to play in round 1 despite now being dead.

After 15 AFL clubs again rejected the fallen star, Terry Wallace said the benefits of selecting Cousins still outweighed the negative. "Carlton will still need to put a good player on Ben and West Coast fans are still becoming RFC members because the Club gave Ben another go," said the Tigers' coach.

The big burly man who also was believed to have died in the crash is in fact alive and well. "I was walking towards a very bright white light in the midst of darkness with my arms reaching out towards it before realising I was in front of my fridge at 3am in the morning reaching for the surpreme one with the lot family sized pizza I had put in there the night before. Yummy!"

Ben Cousins' 'second coming' will begin Thursday, March 26, 2009.
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: 1965 on January 21, 2009, 06:38:36 PM: Gold

Well done DC and MT.

:cheers
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: mightytiges on January 25, 2009, 08:30:26 PM: BEN COUSINS 'COMES OUT'
Mary Whitehouse
Cleo
25 January 2009

EXCLUSIVE: Cleo readers will be pleased to learn we have learnt from sources close to former bad boy Ben Cousins that he has 'come out'.

After being seen kissing an anonymous woman at a St Kilda restaurant while sitting at a table with Dermott Brereton, the hunky Tiger told our source he could no longer let the whispers continue.

"Ben was furious to be compared to Dermie. As you can see Ben is definitely not Dermie. Dermie's the one who has had facial work yet still looks in the face like a white version of the wicked witch from the Wizard of Oz", said our source.

The big burly man said he could have saved Brereton a fortune in cosmetic surgery.

"I would have gladly rearranged Dermie's face for free."
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: mightytiges on January 30, 2009, 02:17:28 AM: Hail Cuz!
Craig Hunchinabinson
Herald-Scum
30 January 2009

Shaved head? Black shirt? One arm raised in sight of the crowd? Front row seat at a high profile sporting event?

All the traits of a Fascist leader claims political pseudo-scientist and part-time Mr Whippy attendant Wilfred Peabody.

"There's just no doubt about it in my mind that he's a skinhead," exclaimed Mr Peabody. "Clearly this individual has come to Victoria to cause trouble and wants to eventually overthrow the Government in a right wing coup. He's gaining popularity by the day with the general public. He obviously already has control of the media because his face appears on the front and back pages of the daily newspapers and nightly news bulletins more often than Rudd, Brumby, Turnball and Ballieu combined. He even has had his potrait painted for future posterity. He must be stopped!"

When approached about the accusation that Mr Cousins was the leader of a new Fascist movement, a big burly male representative of the new Tiger said "i know nuthin!" before bursting into sobbing tears right before me and shouting "that little bugger stood me up at the tennis for some chick! Front row semi-final tickets too the bastard!"
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: 2JD on January 30, 2009, 10:27:44 PM: COUSINS SWEATS IT OUT!

Showing all the signs of withdrawell, Cousins was seen this week at the tennis, in Bridge Road, at Punt Road in obvious signs of distress. Flushed face and obvious sweating, all the classic signs of going cold turkey!
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: Jacosh on February 01, 2009, 08:56:03 PM: Cousins spotted with white powder of face

Ben cousins has been seen exiting a local Prahran cafe this morning with suspicious white powder on his face.
The not named cafe, that acording to the sign in the window specialises in pancakes for breakfast is often frequented by West Coast Eagle players when in Melbourne.
A burly man who was seated at the next table spoke breifly to this reporter but wished not to be named "Yeah i saw Ben Cousins here, i watched him as he ate a short stack and a sipped a cappucino while reading this mornings paper. He seemed very relaxed like he didnt care that people new what he was doing"
A spokesman for the Richmond football club denied any knowledge of the incident but hopes for Ben's sake it isnt true.
It is this reporters opinion that Ben has slipped back down the evil past that he had reportedly left behind, and will surely lead to a collapse at the club forcing them to finish bottom of the ladder this up comming season followed shortly behind by the announcement that the club will no longer be involved in Australian rules football in any respect.

By
Tony "I still have nightmares of the 1980 Grand Final" Shaw.
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: Chuck17 on February 02, 2009, 04:47:02 PM: Australian Cricketers decline placed on Ben Cousins

The recent decline of the Australian Cricket team's performance has been linked to Ben Cousins.

A number of salient points can be made;

Matthew Hayden has had poor form and retired as a direct result

Andrew Symonds had a few too many and let fly in a phone interview

Ricky Pontings captaincy has come under scrutiny

Brett Lee's form has hit rock bottom

If further proof was needed an exclusive comment from a person infamously known as the burly man was heard to be muttered; "I am not talking to him anymore". The expression on this burly man's face could only be described as petulant jealously.

Damien "Imasdumbasdogshit" Barret
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: tiga on March 04, 2009, 07:01:31 PM: BEN COUSINS HALF TIME HURL: REASON REVEALED
Leroy Felcher
Early Morning Bog
4th March 2009

After some serious investigative journalism, I have found out exactly what was the cause of Ben Cousins inappropriate loss of body fluid during the NAB Cup Match against Collingwood.

Whilst it is usually the responsibility of this paper to completely denigrate Ben Cousins and invade his privacy for trivial matters whenever possible and with extreme bias, in this instance we feel it is our duty in the interest of public safety to reveal all.

During the Half-time break, Ben walked past a table of drinks from Mooshashi, and tried one of their new range of energy boosting drinks called "Mooshashi Rentables". This new range is designed for people who are on a budget to get their desired energy levels for a set time and at a fraction of the cost of a normal beverage. The way it works is that all drinks have a numbering system identifying the duration of the energy boost from 2 minutes to 2 hours. Once the time expires, the energy drink releases itself from the body via uniquely designed bio-enzyme which forces the release of all proprietary fluids and thus ending the rental agreement. The longer the energy requirement, the dearer the beverage.

In this particular case, Ben was meant to go for a 2 hour rentable beverage which naturally releases itself via the bladder when the rental expires but instead, he accidentally picked up a 2 minute "rentable" which are designed for olympic sprinters, 50m swimmers and fringe interchange players who expect less than 2 minutes game time. This short term rental, more often than not, releases itself out the way it came in, hence Ben's display at half time.

A spokesperson from the club stated that due to ever increasing match day costs, it had trialed the new "rentable" range in a bid to cut costs but did concede that the distribution of the drinks could have been better planned. After further investigation it was found that a 2 minute rentable has a silver number 2 whereas the 2 hour rentable has a gold number 2.

A spokes person from the beverage manufacturer conceded that it may need to look at repackaging the product to more easily identify the various beverages in its range. he stated "maybe we should look at changing the 2 minute rentable number 2 from silver to purple. That should fix things up".

Somehow we don't think so, but at least we were able to clear Ben's name in this particular matter.

Disclaimer: This article is purely fictional and any reference which is similar to any company or persons is completely accidental. ;D
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: mightytiges on March 04, 2009, 10:56:03 PM: LOL tiga ;D

Linda Blair sues Ben Cousins
Phillip Stake
News of the Globe
Wed March 4, 2009

Linda Blair, most reknowned for her scenes from the 1973 horror The Exorcist, has issued a writ in the Victorian Supreme Court against Tiger star Ben Cousins claiming a breach of royalties in her contract and blatant plagiarism.

"Mr Cousins copied my spew scenes on Australian national prime time tv and I didn't receive a cent from it," Ms Blair argued.

"It took years of learning method acting as a child and the right mathematical projectile calculations to master my spew scenes in the Exorcist. He's nothing but a copycat!"

A representative of the Richmond recruit, Mr Burly Man, denied the accusation outright and said after Mr Cousins bought him 50 doughnuts the other day he was feeling "a bit squeamish ...... blurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: tiga on March 05, 2009, 09:13:17 AM: :rollin :thumbsup Good one MT! Don't forget his display also turned heads so is that an additional royalty they for got about?? ;) ;D
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: mightytiges on March 23, 2009, 08:15:42 PM: Big Tiger to Debut
Damien Ferret
Herald-Dumb
23rd March 2009

In a surprise selection move, Richmond will go into Thursday night's blockbuster against Carlton in front of 90,000 people with not only Ben Cousins making his Tiger debut.

The Tigers will also debut 200cm 150kg Burly Man as he runs out alongside his controversial teammate.

Asked about the surprise inclusion Richmond senior coach Terry Wallace said "we felt in his first game that Carlton may target Ben physically so we have included a bigger body for that scenario to help Ben out."

When we asked Burly Man about what was Plough's instructions to him, he replied, "If any bluebagger gets within 15m of Cuz I go the knuckle!"

MCC's Stephen Gough said they will have 22 stretcher cars on standby on Thursday night.
Title: Re: We can be Journo's
Post by: mightytiges on March 23, 2010, 11:33:42 PM: Freddos undercut Cousins' hard work
CARROT DILLSON
The Rage
March 16, 2010

RICHMOND has warned its troubled midfielder Ben Cousins to curb his chocolate eating.

Revelations that the recovering drug addict has overindulged on freddo frogs over the past year came as he was readmitted to hospital with stomach illness.

The club fears that Cousins, 31, could further shorten his already diminished career as a result of binging on freddos.

Richmond's football operations manager vehemently denied the drug rumours that have haunted Cousins since he was first admitted to hospital, pointing out that the player had had a blood test. The Tigers' president said he was unaware freddo frogs had become an issue for Cousins.

However, we can confirm that senior Richmond personnel raised the freddo frog issue with Cousins several times last year after going to the sweets jar and finding all the freddos gone.

The club has been forced to keep a close watch on the player's off-field activities as a result of the massive risk involved in taking on the game's first admitted drug addict. The Burly Man has since hid all the freddos in his stomach.

Cousins' long-term drug addiction has left him with a legacy of a high resistance to bertie beatles, musk sticks and Pez.