We can be Journo's

[tiga]

Okay, here is a challenge or not so much...We have all seen how the current crop of sports Journo's are pulling stories on Ben Cousins out of their behind so lets see if we can beat them at their own game. Have a catchy headline followed by a short story. One mandatory criteria...you need to include the "Burly man" somewhere in your story.

I'll kick things off....



BEN COUSIN'S TRAFFICKING FOR A SCORE

Ben Cousins has recently been seen driving in Melbourne's peak hour traffic in an apparent attempt to seek a carbon monoxide high from car fumes. Since his move to Melbourne, Ben has been a regular commuter on the very busy Punt Rd during Peak hour and is more often than not been in the company of an unidentified burly man during his trips. Sources say that a high derived from carbon monoxide is currently undetectable with the current screening processes.
Many important questions need to be asked....
Why would someone drive with the top down on their car at this time of the year?
Why does Ben drive so regularly on Punt Rd between 5 & 7pm most weeknights?
Was Ben's real motive to play with a Melbourne based club a deliberate attempt to drink from the fountain of Melbourne's regularly notorious traffic jams?
Were Ben's trips to LA really for rehabilitation? or was it a premeditated attempt to score a bit of pure "L.A Brown", the finest uncut smog known to man.

Until current testing procedures catch up with this loophole in the testing regime I guess we will never know.

This is Day-me-ann Carrot reporting for the Sunday Morning Bog.


 

[Smokey]

     

Excellent work tiga.  Why not submit it to the dailys?

[Chuck17]

That's a crack up Tiga.

Here's my attempt at being a journo

BEN COUSINS GETTING CLEAN OR IS HE

To outward appearances having a dip at the local pool would be seen as a way of getting clean.  However this may not be always be the case and when the subject in question is Ben Cousins then all is not as it seems as the exclusive below will show.

Fact; Ben Cosuins was seen at Prahran pool gathering copious amounts of chlorine on his body as he portrayed having a swim. 

Observers at the pool noted that Ben was seen to swim and keep a large amount of his body submerged in the water and this would be consistent in gathering maximum amounts of chlorine.  Witnesses then noticed that when Cousins left the pool and several suspicious motions where made with a towel that involved having his nose come in close contact with his skin. 

Observers also noted a person known only as the "burly man" standing under a tree in dark glasses and a hat in what could only be described as suspicious loitering.

Expert advisors in the field of chlorine state that sniffing chlorine can give a sense of feeling akin to being high.  What is yet unproven is can a high be achieved by sniffing chlorine from skin.

Experimental tests in this field are to be commenced by myself and my large nose immediately.

Damien Barret
Reporting for some crap paper
 

[Go Richo 12]

How far can Ben Go?

The Herald Sun can exclusively reveal that troubled AFL star, Ben Cousins, was seen sitting next to an acquaintentance who was smoking a cigarrette. In a less than subtle way to recieve a high, Cousins has taken to passive smoking.

Sources close to Cousins deny this, stating that the white stick seen in the mouth of his friend was merely a chuppa-chup, but the Herald sun can confirm that recently Cousins did in fact walk past a man in Chapple St. who was smoking.

This comes hot on the heels of recent troubles for the new Tiger, who has recently been seen drinking mineral water, using listerine and the discovery of a bottle of mineral turpentine in his back shed. Cousins is yet to test positive to any of these substances but has frequently tested positive to attitude, a substance that Cousins has started to deal to all the young players at Punt Road. Tiger officials have turned a blind eye to Cousins and his attitude dealing as this is the first time since Matthew Richardson came 3rd in the Brownlow that anyone was seen to be dealing positive attitudes at the club.....

[richmondrules]

Ben returns to his wayward ways.

Damian Barrett

It can be confirmed that Ben Cousins was yesterday seen in the vicinity as known criminals and drug dealers.

Cousins was spotted at the Prahran swimming pool We can confirm that Prahran is closely bordered by the party district South Yarra and is close to the infamous suburb of St Kilda and the equally infamous Fitzroy Street.

One witness, who asked not to be named, confirmed that they had seen drugs being taken at nightspots around Melbourne. Nightspots similar to those near the Prahran Pool.

It is believed that Carl Williams and murdered hit man Andrew 'Benji' Veniamin have at times been seen both in, and driving through St Kilda and South Yarra.

Mick Gatto, when asked about his relationship with Cousins replied, "I don't know him." An attempt do divert attention away from Cousins presence in Melbourne.

It is time that the AFL ask Cousins exactly what his association with these underworld figures is. It seems obvious that "the Burly Man" must have some friends also.

The mere fact that Cousins is in Prahran is damning considering he is recovering from drug addiction.

The big loser in all this will be Richmond. Cousins is sure to bring the whole club into disrepute by associating so closely to know criminals. I predict the Tigers will finish 16th on the ladder next year.

Gary March replied "What the hell are you talking about?" when asked about Cousins recent behaviour. The club obviously has no idea what it's star recruit is up to.

[wayne]

Ben returns to his wayward ways.

Damian Barrett

It can be confirmed that Ben Cousins was yesterday seen in the vicinity as known criminals and drug dealers.

Cousins was spotted at the Prahran swimming pool We can confirm that Prahran is closely bordered by the party district South Yarra and is close to the infamous suburb of St Kilda and the equally infamous Fitzroy Street.

One witness, who asked not to be named, confirmed that they had seen drugs being taken at nightspots around Melbourne. Nightspots similar to those near the Prahran Pool.

It is believed that Carl Williams and murdered hit man Andrew 'Benji' Veniamin have at times been seen both in, and driving through St Kilda and South Yarra.

Mick Gatto, when asked about his relationship with Cousins replied, "I don't know him." An attempt do divert attention away from Cousins presence in Melbourne.

It is time that the AFL ask Cousins exactly what his association with these underworld figures is. It seems obvious that "the Burly Man" must have some friends also.

The mere fact that Cousins is in Prahran is damning considering he is recovering from drug addiction.

The big loser in all this will be Richmond. Cousins is sure to bring the whole club into disrepute by associating so closely to know criminals. I predict the Tigers will finish 16th on the ladder next year.

Gary March replied "What the hell are you talking about?" when asked about Cousins recent behaviour. The club obviously has no idea what it's star recruit is up to.

You're not really Damien Barrett are you 

[richmondrules]

You're not really Damien Barrett are you 

My secrets out!!!!! 

[tiga]

These are all fantastic!! And more entertaining than our career counterparts!! Keep em coming guys! 

ROFLMFAOOO@ RROFO and his six degree's of separation 

[2JD]

                                                      COUSINS GOES BANANAS

Ben Cousins was seen today shopping at a supermarket near the infamous Prahran pool. A regular customer at the store said "Ben was very haphazard in his choice of fruit and vegetables, bypassing  organicly grown bananas in favour of genetically modified ones and choosing imported oranges instead of Australian grown. I think it is deplorable that a person in the public eye as he is, isnt seen to be supporting the poor aussie farmers! He's just unaustralian!"
On further investigation it was also noted that his trolley consisted of milk with added calcium, orange juice with added iron and fibre plus cereal with anti oxidants. It seems Cousins just cant resisting adding extras to everything he consumes. Another source close to the supermarket said that Cousins often buys real coke and full cream milk and occaisionally splurges on a family block of Cadbury rum and raisin chocolate.
Richmond, the club who threw the troubled star a lifeline, may have bitten off more than they can chew. If Cousins keeps up this behaviour they may be forced to call in Jenny Craig, an expert on weight loss, at further cost to the club.
The burly man on the register said "Ben is a regular her and can spend anything from 15 to 30 minutes shopping"

Damian Someone....writing for a very reputable paper

[richmondrules]

lol 2JD.

So the burly man is in disguise as a checkout chick. FBI? CIA?

[yellowandback]

TIGERS PUT COUSINS ON ICE

Richmond assistant coach Brian Royal indicated today that Tiger star Ben Cousins pre season would be modified to help Cousins adjust to the rigours of AFL football.
Ex-drug addict Cousins, who has had nearly 2 years out of game, has been held back from taking part in full pre season timing with Royal saying that the Tigers wanted him "cherry ripe" for Round 1.
The embattled star, who has had ongoing hamstring injuries which culminated in a serious tear during the 2007 final against Collingwood, is also believed to be taking ballet lessons to strengthen his upper leg muscles after talking to ex-Tiger Michael Gale who successfully used the same techniques through the 90s.

[mightytiges]

Cousins ties the knot
Journ O'Wannabee
Herald-Sun
15 January 2009


Crowds flocked yesterday to see Ben Cousins stop and tie up his shoelaces.

[richmondrules]

lol MT.

Sad thing is they're all journalists. Oh, except for the black guy in the blue tee shirt near the bottom left corner. He's just some guy who was walking the dog and got caught up in all the fuss. He still  doesn't know what's going on but he knows it's bloody annoying.

[Smokey]

lol MT.

Sad thing is they're all journalists. Oh, except for the black guy in the blue tee shirt near the bottom left corner. He's just some guy who was walking the dog and got caught up in all the fuss. He still  doesn't know what's going on but he knows it's bloody annoying.

Nah, he's cool.  That's the burly man.

[mightytiges]

  @ smokey. I forgot about the burly man lol.


Cousins stops traffic
Damien Ferret
Herald-Sun
15th January 2009, 1.30pm

Peak hour traffic was halted on Punt Rd this morning when Ben Cousins pressed the button at the pedestrian crossing and the lights turned from green to amber and then to red.

The incident turned ugly when a cyclist tried to walk his bike against the red light and a burly man who was with Cousins grabbed hold of the cyclist's lycra shorts and gave him a massive wedgey.