We can be Journo's

[2JD]

lol these are great! Good for a laugh like Barretts usual stuff. (I think the burly man is the new serial pest) lol

[DallasCrane]

Cousins' 'trip' to Bunnings
by Scotty Parma

New Tiger recruit Ben Cousins was seen strolling through Bunnings warehouse late yesterday afternoon. Our spy close to the action believes that Ben had a little mishap when he was moving his sofa into his new apartment and chipped the plasterboard as he moved it in. It's understood that Ben may have needed two tubes of Polyfilla such was the dent he put in the wall. A club spokesman later confirmed that Ben was 'renting' an apartment in Melbourne at this stage and 'was hoping to leave the place in good nick when it comes time to get his bond back' The spokesman refused to be drawn on whether any white powder was left on the carpet after the sofa mishap.

On a side note, all of Bunnings stores across Australia stock a type of cactus that is a distant relative of the hallucinogenic Peyote cactus, used for centuries by big, burly native American Indian tribes, but more recently by hell-bent youth that are seeking a similar experience to an LSD trip. The strains that Bunnings sells are non-hallucinogenic, and it must be stressed that at no stage did Ben actually go near the garden section. He did however walk through the treated pine section. Some of the chemicals used in treated pine are some of the same found in the party drug GHB, or colloquially known as GBH- Grievous Bodily Harm.

Keep on punchin,

Scotty

[2JD]

                                    COUSINS......WHATS THE CATCH?

Ben Cousins and a few friends took a charter boat out onto the bay for a bit of R&R and to get away from the media for a few hours. A reliable source on a second boat, 100 metres away with high powered binoculars, observed Cousins reeling in what appeared to be a giant swordfish,  a highly unusual fish to be found in Port Phillip Bay. Is it a courier fish with a homing device delivering unknown substances to the fishermen? One of his companions, believed to be the "burleyman" jumped overboard to attract the fish and help bring the catch aboard.

Damn-I-Am  BS-artist
Serald Hun

[WilliamPowell]

Restaurant Forced to Close

HUN Exclusive

Story by: Ima Neverwas


A Prahran restaurant has been forced to close because Ben Cousins had not been spotted there.

"We have no choice" lamented owner of "No Fries With That" Biscoe Brainless

"We are within walking distance to the pool and thought we were guaranteed Ben's patronage after his swim, especially after the burly man had a latte here. But it just didn't happen, we are extremely annoyed and disappointed with Ben's attitude towards us".

Cafe workers confirmed that the burly man did not have to pay for his latte or his cinnamon donut.

Other cafes and restaurants in the area are also concerned about their futures since the Brownlow Medallist and new Tiger recruit ignored their establishments after his swim.

"It is a real worry" another local shop owner said "it is tough enough in the current economic climate but to be snubbed in such away is totally "Un-Australian"

[Fishfinger]

Biscoe Brainless

Billy's brother?

[mightytiges]

This thread is a ripper  


Cousins' mate ate all the food!
Craig Hutchicon
Ben Cousins' apartment's garbage bin
15 January 2009

New Essendon recruit Christian Bock has accused the big burly man sitting with Ben Cousins at the naked Japanese restaurant of eating all the restaurant's food.

"How am I meant to stop looking like a stick figure if people keep eating all the food," the young 202cm bomber rookie exclaimed. It was only the other week I went to Maccas and after serving Stuart Dew it had to close down.

"I sick of everyone teasing me and calling me David Bourke's long lost brother."  

[Chuck17]

Thats a cracker MT 

OMG, that boy either needs food or medical attention

[mightytiges]

Cousins our only hope to World peace say World leaders
Ben Dover
The Australian - foreign correspondent
15 January 2009


Ben Cousins with the Dalai Lama (left) and United Nations secretary Ban Ki-moon.

World leaders seeing mass crowds of all different nationalities, races and cultures come to a complete instant standstill in peaceful union side by side just to watch Ben Cousins train have implored the new Tiger to train on tour in troubled world hotspots such as the Middle East, Tibet, Zimbabwe and Afghanistan.

The big burly man said anyone who doesn't stop and watch Cuz will have to deal with him.

[Smokey]

Wondered where the Burly Man was MT.   

[tiga]

You're on fire MT!  But don't say that too loudly around the Dalai Lama 

[mightytiges]

LOL tiga


Fatwa on Cousins: Bin Laden
Cory Worthlessington
Al Jezzera
16 January 2009

Al Qaida terrorist leader in hiding Osama Bin Laden was heard for the first time in 8 months yesterday calling for a fatwa on new Richmond recruit Ben Cousins.

In his latest audiotape Bin Laden says, "How am I meant to preach death and destruction to all when I can't get a word in edgeways because this infidel is on the front, back and middle pages of the papers and on the tv and radio news services every #$%& single day!"

"What am I suppose to do to get attention these days. What change my name to Osama Ben Laden?"

In response the big burly man said Cousins is perfectly safe and the authenticity of the tape could not be independently confirmed.

[tiga]

LOL tiga


Fatwa on Cousins: Bin Laden
Cory Worthlessington
Al Jezzera
16 January 2009

Al Qaida terrorist leader in hiding Osama Bin Laden was heard for the first time in 8 months yesterday calling for a fatwa on new Richmond recruit Ben Cousins.

In his latest audiotape Bin Laden says, "How am I meant to preach death and destruction to all when I can't get a word in edgeways because this infidel is on the front, back and middle pages of the papers and on the tv and radio news services every #$%& single day!"

"What am I suppose to do to get attention these days. What change my name to Osama Ben Laden?"

In response the big burly man said Cousins is perfectly safe and the authenticity of the tape could not be independently confirmed.

Pure GOLD!! MT 

[F0551L]

you blokes and girls are too clever missed your true calling in life

[Smokey]

you blokes and girls are too clever missed your true calling in life

More to the point - they have all just proved how easy it is to be a muck-raking, bull-crapping journo.  At least our OER guys weren't pretending to be serious and newsworthy.

[Hellenic Tiger]

Breakfast Menu proves Cousins Wrongdoing


A Chapel St Cafe is at the centre of an AFL controversy just weeks after it was revealed Ben Cousins only came to Melborne to get high on the car fumes from traffic snags on Punt Rd.
Ben Cousins has been seen frequenting this cafe every day between 7 and 7:30 every morning and ingesting copius amounts of baked beans on toast. It is believed that since Ben has been banned from Punt Rd he has been looking for something to get him on a high. Sources close to us believe that Ben within 12 hours of having breakfast is on a toxic high and his vision and world seems to be going round in circles. It is understood his love of baked beans is the cause of this. It is also believed that a Heinz truck has been seen parked outside his apartment and taking boxes of some sort of Heinz food to his house although the content of the boxes are not yet known.  What was also of interest was that Richmond Ben's footy club on Thursday had an intra club match in preparation for their upcoming season and that Ben was asked to play a loose man in defense with no accountability and no opponent and that his teammates referred to him as Stinky and Smelly and that his coach at quarter time asked him to not drop another one , to hold it and not let it go and Wallace implored him to break the lines off half back not break wind off half back. It is not known yet if these two stories are linked.