BEN COUSINS HALF TIME HURL: REASON REVEALED
Leroy Felcher
Early Morning Bog
4th March 2009
After some serious investigative journalism, I have found out exactly what was the cause of Ben Cousins inappropriate loss of body fluid during the NAB Cup Match against Collingwood.
Whilst it is usually the responsibility of this paper to completely denigrate Ben Cousins and invade his privacy for trivial matters whenever possible and with extreme bias, in this instance we feel it is our duty in the interest of public safety to reveal all.
During the Half-time break, Ben walked past a table of drinks from Mooshashi, and tried one of their new range of energy boosting drinks called "Mooshashi Rentables". This new range is designed for people who are on a budget to get their desired energy levels for a set time and at a fraction of the cost of a normal beverage. The way it works is that all drinks have a numbering system identifying the duration of the energy boost from 2 minutes to 2 hours. Once the time expires, the energy drink releases itself from the body via uniquely designed bio-enzyme which forces the release of all proprietary fluids and thus ending the rental agreement. The longer the energy requirement, the dearer the beverage.
In this particular case, Ben was meant to go for a 2 hour rentable beverage which naturally releases itself via the bladder when the rental expires but instead, he accidentally picked up a 2 minute "rentable" which are designed for olympic sprinters, 50m swimmers and fringe interchange players who expect less than 2 minutes game time. This short term rental, more often than not, releases itself out the way it came in, hence Ben's display at half time.
A spokesperson from the club stated that due to ever increasing match day costs, it had trialed the new "rentable" range in a bid to cut costs but did concede that the distribution of the drinks could have been better planned. After further investigation it was found that a 2 minute rentable has a silver number 2 whereas the 2 hour rentable has a gold number 2.
A spokes person from the beverage manufacturer conceded that it may need to look at repackaging the product to more easily identify the various beverages in its range. he stated "maybe we should look at changing the 2 minute rentable number 2 from silver to purple. That should fix things up".
Somehow we don't think so, but at least we were able to clear Ben's name in this particular matter.
Disclaimer: This article is purely fictional and any reference which is similar to any company or persons is completely accidental.
