One-Eyed Richmond Forum
General => General Discussion => Topic started by: tiga on February 15, 2005, 04:21:13 PM
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Hi Guys,
Just thought of something that might be a bit of fun. It's called fractured fairytales.
What we have to do is I'll start the story off and you can all join in. once a person has added a sentence or paragraph (try and leave it open for the next person) you can then continue on and take the story anywhere but it must flow from the previous paragraph. So lets have a bit of a laugh with this and see where it takes us. We all have a pretty warped sense of humour so it should be good.
Here goes....
Once upon a time there was a princess who lived in a big castle high on top of a Hill.
The castle had big strong gates and really high walls to protect her from the evils that lay outside. Inside the gates her loyal subjects adored her and thrived under her model of a utopian existence. That was until the day a stranger arrived requesting entry. "Halt who goes there?" said the sentry......
next please
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LMAO - this will be a crack up.
"Ummmm, errrrr, hello" said the stranger shivering under a dark cloak. "Yeah nah, My name is Danny, Danny Frawley, and I've just been kicked out of home, I would have thought. Look, the King and his executives thought that I hadn't stepped up to the plate, hadn't dug deep and wasn't good enough to be Mayor of their town. I tried to stick fat but the cows didn't come home. So I'm left without any milk, I'm cold and I'm bleeding starving. Can I come in, I would have thought?"
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"Go back from whenst you came scoundrel!" boomed the voice of the sentry, which startled Danny and made him retreat a couple of steps. Once more gathering his courage, Danny spoke "Yeah, Nah, look, I'm Danny Frawley. I've always been Danny Frawley. If you don't like the Danny Frawley you see in front of you, that's your perogative. I'll defend my honour till the cow comes home. In fact, here she is now." Out of nowhere stepped a podgy, coquettish feminine lady, a beauty from the days of yore, who had since grown large with the assistance of pastry dishes and sweets. "Hi' I'm Anita". She said.
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And as God is my witness,at that precise moment in time,the Heavens opened,showering a kings ransom in
potatoes and pavlova.
'Beyond from whence these offerings were conceived,I know not of true dimensions to be spoken of
yet am worthy of thy gifts"
weeped Anita as she gouged her fat face with merange and cream bi-products.
As Danny bowed before the empress of dairy he dispondantly murmered,
"WTF is going on Big Fella ?"
It was then a miracle occured...
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The princess looked out from her turret she spied three horsemen on magnificent steeds riding at great haste towards the castle. She grabbed the binoculars she happened to have handy and on closer look she saw that the three handsome horsemen were none other than Richo, Simmonds and Rix (sorry guys couldn't help myself ;)). She clasped her hands and sighed "my heroes!". But before the horsemen could reach the castle they had to cross over the bridge where they were met by the evil troll of the bridge - Mike Sheehan.
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As luck would have it a bolt of lightning shot from the sky and fried Danny and Annita where they stood mid feast. Sensing thier oppurtunity the Evil Troll master summoned his evil trolls from within the dark forest to retrieve the sizzling remains - which would be saved for that nights feast.
The princess realising her moment for love may have finally arrived and with the trolls busily gathering the remains she summoned her guards to open the gate and beckon the three handsome horseman within the confines of the castle - little knowing
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…that Sheahan was watching her every move. Unaware, she hurried the three horsemen through the gates and had them escorted out of sight and went to meet them.
Meanwhile, Sheahan busily scribbled notes with his poison pen. Eager to report what he had seen, he gave orders for the scroll to be taken to the Evil Troll Master (ETM).
“Well, well, well, three holes in the ground” gruffed the ETM. “The Princess has found 3 saviours has she?
My plot to bring eternal darkness and torture to people everywhere has met with a slight hitch. That fool has gone and got himself fried.”
“Guard, ride out to the Lexus Castle and hand this note to my evil counterpart over there, whathisname, Maltyhouse or something?”
With an ever present evil look in his eye, he muttered to himself “Those three will be no match for the Maltyhouse fox”.
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INTERMISSION
Just a quick note guys... I think it might be a good idea to just post a quick reply with your nick to let people know you are in the process of writing a paragraph. I had one all ready to go this morning only to find that someone had beaten me to the punch. It's no drama, just lets people know that you're about to put one out.
eg as I am in the process of writing one I will post "tiga" to let people know.
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tiga
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Little did the evil powers know that Lord Wallace of Locksley was about to join the other 3 warroirs in a last ditch effort to defeat the evil sheriff Malthouse of rottingwood and ultimately his King, Edward of mediawhore.
After greeting each other and discussing battle plans Sir richo asked Lord Wallace "do we stand a chance?" To which lord wallace replied.
"Yes...Sheriff Malthouse of rottingwood will be easily defeated by us before the first bucket of oranges as long as we fight as a combined force. With his only true warrior, Buckley the Expensive incapacitated, he will be no match for our young but formidable force. I expect Lord Tarrant will offer very little resistence. Now we must head off as time is of the essence. Prepare for battle......
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cub
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Meanwhile .... (unknown to either side) at Wilson Castle the evil Queen Caro was putting the finishing touches to her wicked plan.
Mirror Mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all .....
Sorry Queen Caro but the Princess of Punt road castle is still the fairest of them all and until she is disposed of will remain so...
Mirror whispering to itself ( you have to disspose of every women alive to have any chance love) :lol
To this Queen Caro swung her evil plan into action ..... This will be the end of her and her kingdom wa ha ha ha ha ha ha
The Three Warriors were going to be up against more than they bargained for .......
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As the Princess, Lord Wallace of Locksely, and the 3 horsemen were feasting on fried spuds, roast bore and fruity lexia back at the castle on top of the hill, a fax on horse back arrived and delivered some disturbing news. It detailed a plot devised by Queen Caro to strike from the North while their attention was focussed on an attack from Rottingwood from the South. “Oh no” Said Lord Wallace. We’re going to need some assistance, some reinforcements; I’ll have to call in some heavy artillery”. Lord Wallace reached into his pocket and pulled out a Nokia 3210 carrier pigeon and on a little piece of paper hurriedly scribbled a request for help. The note was addressed to Greg The Miller, the greatest soldier king Scotland has ever seen. Lord Wallace wrapped the note around the mobile pigeon’s leg and sent it on its way.
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Greg the Miller had been spending his later years in the Court of Hammerhead peacefully by the Glens of Roy, Waverley and Huntly. A noble man from the North he was reknowned across the lands for paying only 3 beans for the services of the young warrior king Carey of Wagga Wagga before his pupil tragically was captured along with his mistress by a legion of archers and banished to the barren and feral lands across the border.
Miller noticed a carrier pigeon sitting on the edge of the window looking over the Glens. He walked over and took the note wrapped around the pigeon's leg. It read ...
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Greg the Miller had been spending his later years in the Court of Hammerhead peacefully by the Glens of Roy, Waverley and Huntly. A noble man from the North he was reknowned across the lands for paying only 3 beans for the services of the young warrior king Carey of Wagga Wagga before his pupil tragically was captured along with his mistress by a legion of archers and banished to the barren and feral lands across the border.
Miller noticed a carrier pigeon sitting on the edge of the window looking over the Glens. He walked over and took the note wrapped around the pigeon's leg. It read ...
LMAO - Brilliant.
continue as you were.......
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“Sir,
The forces of evil are gathering momentum, wanting to take over our once impenetrable fortress. You know too well the might such a kingdom could give to those who know its true strength.
What say ye, will ye fight with us?”
Reading on, Greg the Miller knew only too well the size of the task ahead. He knew there was more to this than just what he was reading.
He knew of the hideous and evil forces lurking in the background. He knew of a law unto themselves that were cloaked in white, orange, yellow and maybe even green, pretending to be human, and the upholders of fair play. They threatened to wreak havoc upon the three warriors and their efforts. No army could hope to stand a chance against them, let alone a few brave souls. It was decisions time for Greg the Miller.
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In a blink of an eye The Greg hastened his tumultuous mercinaries assault,for one murderous pyschopath from every state
was to be recognised as thyne representative of injurious force,striking at the diluted blood of this tempered society of
feeble minded jesters.
"Hear me now",he barked in a discourteous manner,"upon the delivery of the one they call Scott of Turner you shall see
an anihilation of demonic proportions directed atop the unsuspecting meek.
They shall fom this day onwards be known as, THE FORSAKEN ONES !!!"
"Find me the one known as Campbo....and bring me his head in the 1980 premiership cup."
Alas,it seemed our5 time b&f player hath met thy doom.
Could the falling spud have been a sign of things to come and if so,prehaps Wayne was never as good as JohnF thought ?
It is written that this time was imminent and King Campbell would fall victim to his addiction of Wine,Women,Sodomy and ego
but to succumb to the ancient mind games of Terry the Wallace can only be described as ................
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JohnF
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It is written that this time was imminent and King Campbell would fall victim to his addiction of Wine,Women,Sodomy and ego but to succumb to the ancient mind games of Terry the Wallace can only be described as unfitting to a once proud warrior who worked tirelessly to keep Punt Road Castle from meeting it's demise before a relative peace had filled it's borders. Lord Campbell had been cast out with no thought for his travails and he turned to degenerate means to see out his last days, unthanked and unrewarded for his diligent application.
Greg the Miller mulled this over, together with the shunning of Punt Road Castle's other legendary warrior, St. Kevin of Hungryville, which had caused great unrest, and he altered his position: "No wait, forget Campbell, let the sullen old lecher enjoy his debaucheries. They'll claim him soon enough. Let us focus on matters at hand. We must gather our forces and prepare to fight off Troll Sheehan, Sherrif Maltyhouse and his sire Eddie of MediaWhore who are enlisted by the Evil Troll Master. We must also be on the look out for the darker forces that lurk behind the scenes. I suspect Queen Caro and the Lord of the White Maggots not to be far away.
Miller set off......
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LMAOOOO
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tiga
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So now the 5 hosemen of the apocalypse and their loyal troops set off on their long journey to fight the forces of evil in the forests of rottingwood fully knowing that Sheehan the troll and his poison pen were never very far away. The men were creating idle conversation to pass the time when lord wallace asked "Did anyone bother to pick up a couple of toothless wenches before we left because I'm dying for a bit of scrumpet at our next campsite."Greg the Miller responded...Aye, Your Lordship. We have the sister of Michael of Martin travelling with us and they say there is a true family resemblance." "splendid. Although I've never met Michael of Martin before." "He's a very handsome man your Lordship but I'd get the horses chaff bag just in case." Whilst all this banter was going on the troll Sheehan was crawling along the cliffs above. The troll whispers to himself "I must have the precious. It must be mine. They will all die so I can have the preeecioussss. He hehe hehehehe"
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julz
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Meanwhile, back at the castle, the princess is impatiently pacing up and down. "Where the hell are those magnificent horsemen I spied" she wailed. "Do you mean to say, I got all dressed up for nothing??" "Typical men, never there when you need them".
But just then ....
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… panic set in and a dark thought crosses her mind. Why were they not here? Trembling with fear, she quickly scribbles a note, calls for a messenger and says “Take this note and find where they are. I need to know what has happened to them and what I am to do. Tell them I can only wait for them till the cows come home and then I must look elsewhere for those who can restore honour to this once mighty kingdom. Quick, there is no time to waste. God’s speed.”
As the young horseman takes the note he vows to honour her wishes. He knows the 3 horsemen have left the confines of the castle, but he knows not what awaits him on his journey.
Not knowing what else to do, the fair Princess calls for Troll Sheahan, otherwise known as Sheahan of the crystal ball. She must know now where she should turn and what to do and he could tell her. Alas, he is nowhere to be found. But little does she know of his whereabouts and his true colours, instead believing him to be dignified and a recognised fortune teller.
She contemplates her next move, totally unaware of all that is gathering in the forests of rottingwood.
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;D
Meanwhile as the 5 horsemen bunkered down for a good nights sleep deep in the forest, Lord Terry of Locksley heard a strange noise in a near by bush. Not wanting to wake and alarm his fellow warriors, he quietly approached the bush from where the noise came from. As he crept closer he could hear a voice, a voice which sent shivers down his spine. “Lord Terry, Lord Terry of Locksley” said the voice, “Listen to your heart Lord Terry”. As Lord Terry dragged away the hanging branches and leaves that were impeding his sight, he suddenly saw a glowing silhouette of an old man draped in a ragged old cloak and hood. It was at this point that Lord Terry felt a sense of complete ecstasy, as he realised that the glowing figure in front of him was that of a grand master warrior king that he'd heard about in legendary folklore. Lord Terry’s father, and his fathers father told many a story about a wise warrior of many moons ago who arrived at punt road castle, mustered up an army and with his courage and determination inspired all to conquer the world. That silhouette belonged to none other than Master Tommy One Ken-Hafey. Tommy One Ken-Hafey continued – “Listen Lord Terry………………
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Tommy One Ken-Hafey continued – "Listen Lord Terry. Come closer and listen very carefully, for thy shall say this only once." Lord Terry approached the shadowy silhouette of Master One Ken-Hafey and listened with baited breath. Tommy One Ken-Hafey continued, "The darkside clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is. Hence thy gives thee 5 years to find and return the holy grail to Punt Road Castle." "But Master won't the fine subjects of Punt Road Castle become impatient for my return and feral." Lord Terry responded. "That is of no concern to thou", quipped Master One Ken-Hafey, "The holy grail has been gone for so long that only old men like myself and the mysterious old Moi remember the good times. After being tormented by a diet of spuds and cliches for the past 5 years the good folk of Punt Road castle will trust in any thee who speaketh a vocabulary beyond yeah and nah". Lord Terry felt reassured.
The Master continued, "The forest of rottingwood is a hideous place full of toothless mindless creatures that only breed, eat and sleep. Brainwashed since birth by their darklord overruler Eddie and his mistress Lady Nathan to believe in far-fetched fairytales in exchange for their pieces of silver and gold to build a new Lexus Temple by the Colesseum". "But how shall I confront and defeat such a monstrosity Grand Old Master", replied Lord Terry. "Before you my boy, that is the task. Now be gone on your way". And with that the silhoutte of Master One Ken-Hafey faded away. Lord Terry turned to Greg the Miller and his 3 horsemen and said, "....
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"Lord Richo, Squire Simmonds and Friar Rix go and rescue that poor damsel in distress before she does herself some harm. Greg the Miller and I will go out from hence and using the Force will do battle with the dark side".
So the three magnificent and handsome horsemen went off to do that which they were originally drafted to do. Meanwhile, the princess had almost given up hope of being rescued as everyone in the storyline seems to get sidetracked. She turned to her faithful mirror on the wall and asked "why don't they come?"
The mirror replied "don't worry deary - it was just a momentary lapse. Get thee ready and look thy most beautiful for I hear them on their way".
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FROFLMAOOOOOOOOOOOO :rollin :rollin :lol
as you were ................
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julz
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In the forests of rottingwood, the evil Eddie of Mediawhore and Sherrif Malthouse are pondering over their forthcoming battle for the next evening. "Will you rack off you stupid ponce" Eddie roars at the court jester Joffa. "Thorry your worshipfullneth" lisps the court jester and with tears in his eyes and tearing at his gold lame pantaloons, minces off to lick his wounds.
"Well Sherriff, how can we disarm this Lord Wallace of Locksley fellow". "He's a bit of a dark horse".
"Well my lord, it's just like a different team wearing different jumpers", mumbles Sherrif Malthouse.
"What the hell are you crapping on about?" roars Eddie of Mediawhore.
Infuriated, he picks up a precious crystal goblet and throws it at the nearest tv screen.
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As dawn broke and light filtered through the deep forest onto the waking souls of the warriors of Punt Road, Gregory the Miller noticed uneasiness amongst the calm of the surrounding trees. “Quiet!!” he whispered to his loyal soldiers. “Don’t move a muscle”. Gently with his sword raised to the heavens Greg the Miller crept backwards from where he stood toward a shrub a few meters behind, and with one swift motion sliced through the foliage and severed the head of an Ogre that had been hiding quietly observing the troops as they woke from their slumber. The decapitated Ogre fell to its knees, then slowly swayed and fell to its resting place. “Edward of MediaWhore!!” exclaimed Gregory. “He’s closer than I thought”. Startled, a young soldier asked “Sir, how do thou know the Ogre belongs to Edward”. Greg the Miller pulled out his sword once more and cut a bird shaped insignia from the Ogres fouled black and white clothing. He raised it to the startled soldier and said, “See this winged creature lad, it’s a Maggot Piranium, the evil feathers of Rottingwood.
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tiga
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One young warrior looked at the carcase of the slain Ogre and said "finally we get to eat some fresh meat!" to which Greg the Miller replied "Don't be daft young sire. Everyone knows that rottingwood ogre is not very good eating this time of the year! It must be aged first by making it watch another failed finals attempt." Meanwhile back at the castle the nagged three horseman return singing.. Y M C A, it's fun to stay at the YMCA..A.." Open the gates" Demands Sir Richo.."ummmm what are we rescuing the princess from again??" says friar Rix "A bit of an acne problem." says squire simmo" lets prepare ourselves...Men...switch your exfoliants to stunning!!!"
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Hearing the demands of Sir Richo to open the castle gates, the sentry draped in a sparkling orange uniform took offence to the knight's tone. "Ye cannot enter", he exclaimed. Sir Richo shocked by the overiding decision of a hideously coloured pleb jumped up and down in a mad fit of rage and shouted, "I demand thee open the gates". For a short moment there was silence. Suddenly the large iron clad gates began to open. "Now this is more like it", Sir Richo quipped. As he began to move forward the sentry joined by a number of other armed orange guards forced the flustered knight 50 paces away from the castle's enterance. Angered by such treatment Sir Richo retorted, "Ye blind flea-ridden piece of ....". But before he could finish his gripe he was dragged a further 50 paces away. Lord Wallace arriving in the midst of the fracas turned to Greg the Miller and sighed, "Thy enigmatic knight still has much to learn".
Meanwhile...
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LOL MT - pity Richo wasn't so polite on Friday night.
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Eddie of Mediawhore was rubbing his hands in glee. "That Jedi mind trick sure worked on those dumb orange gnomes" he cackled to Sherrif Malthouse. "To be sure, I almost lost my voice in alll the excitement of calling the battle, even if my lovely Nathan was absent". The Sherrif nodded in agreement, as he always does when Eddie of Mediawhore spoke. "Yes your Whoreness, that Lord Wallace got too greedy didn't he?". The ugly court jester Joffa danced around, making an ever big fool of himself than usual.
Back at the castle, Lord Wallace quietly took aside Sir Richo. "Hate and anger are of the dark side my young apprentice" he gently admonished. But to the Farmer Brown, who had ridden up late and slightly out of sorts with pitchfork in hand, Lord Wallace had stronger words "You're late - what the hell have you been up to?" Farmer Brown look suitably abashed and Lord Wallace took him and spoke so quietly no-one was able to hear what else was said. As for Squire Simmonds, all the fair maidens in the land were clamouring around him, sighing over his good looks, bulging muscles and in all physical presence. Friar Rix looked on jealousy. "When do I get the fair maidens all over me" he moaned to Greg the Miller. "Why do I have to languish in the village of Coburg?" "All in good time" comforted Greg the Miller.
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it was at about this time that great pain and pestilence crossed the land. Dark David and Sgt Shultz were struck down with ghastly wounds.
Whilst under the spell of the apothecary Dark David was visited by a horde of villains and a brace of heroes from a past, happier world.
In his delerium he was aproached by Sir Roger of Dean. Sir Roger whispered something quietly in his ear about constant and unecessary bouncing of the magic pill. Bold Royce of the South rubbed his knees with a magic potion and John of the Northen Swoop roared words of inspiration.
But what of the horde of rascals and villians? Well, Robbie the Fowler did not speak, but sat polishing his MFC best and fairest medals. He tempted poor David with these sparkling trinkets. And Robbie Longshanks McGhie scared our sleeping hero with the ancient and grotesque art oh his rippling arms.
All the while a couple of burly fellows chased the fair sisters of mercy who were tending to Dark David's wounds. Mad Mal of Brown and Tricky Ricky Mac wrestled each other for the favors of the beautiful maidens.
But they did not take into account of that terrible creature from the deep. The man with testicles inside his giant girth. The Whale was thrashing through the seas of Port Phillip to sort these preseason dilemmas out. Whispering wild incantations he arrived at our sorrowful scene...........
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Some funny stuff in this thread :lol
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A long winter had finally passed and our heroes returned home to Punt Road castle from their battles in foreign lands.
Lord Wallace and Greg the Miller entered the royal quarters to report on the campaign to the fair princess. "Our young nobles have made fine progress your highness but alas the holy grail eluded us on our travels", said Greg the Miller. Lord Wallace then took over. "Our initial progress was above expectations. At full strength and through the masterful swordmanship of Baron Brown de Wizard we had launched seven successful raids including a great victory over our old neminises King Eddie of Mediawhore and Sheriff Malthouse who failed to drown us out in a flood". However, they fled from the forest of rottinwood to the desert lands of Arizona to regroup".
"What of our losses?", the fair princess asked. "Five mortal casualities ma'am", Greg the Miller explained, "including your great servant Lord Cambo the old pensioner. He could no longer go on and we had to leave him by the centre links." Lord Wallace's voice then became more melancholy, "We also lost Baron Brown de Wizard. Cut down facing a Dome full of Demons and after which our inexperienced troops lost their way.
"Can he recover?", the princess enquired.......
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"Of course" said Lord Wallace "we expect him to run out to battle on the last night in March of 2006 to slay some Bulldogs otherwise known as slobbering muts.... also we expect him to have a new sword for battle! The medieval medicos have suggested that the rod that currently holds his leg together will make a fine sword and keepsake once removed"
"Delightful" said the princess looking rather pale. Quickly changing the sublect to more pleasant matters she asked "and what of our young warrior Brett of Golden Tipped Locks?"
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"Young Brett has shown much promise in his inaugural campaign" said Lord Wallace "He was the first boy drafted from the villages at the end of the last campaign, and has shown skill and poise beyond his years" said Lord Wallace boastfully.
"If he continues to improve and mature, he may well end up as great as Sir LanceJudd" suggested Greg the Miller.
The Princess is impressed by what she is hearing, "Bring Brett of Golden Tipped Locks to me, i wish to make him my date for the upcoming ball".
"That ah... might be a problem" Lord Wallace said hesistantly "It appears Brett has been listening to Baron Brown and Mark Van De Cogs too much in the area of self-maintenence, and as already knocked back overtures from some of the towns finest young women, which has raised suspicions amongst the ranks that he maybe jousting for the other townships".
The Princess, obviously dissapointed, says to herself under her breath "The best ones always just for the other townships".
:D
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How come people just post their names on this thread ???
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How come people just post their names on this thread ???
??? ???
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How come people just post their names on this thread ???
Just borrowing tiga's post from earlier in the year:
"INTERMISSION
Just a quick note guys... I think it might be a good idea to just post a quick reply with your nick to let people know you are in the process of writing a paragraph. I had one all ready to go this morning only to find that someone had beaten me to the punch. It's no drama, just lets people know that you're about to put one out.
eg as I am in the process of writing one I will post "tiga" to let people know."
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C'mon fellas give this a bit of effort!
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A new year.... A new Hope.
Lord Wallace and Greg the Miller are found sitting at ye olde round table preparing for the upcoming all county recruitment Tournament.
"We have a fine young Army that on it's day will defeat any opposition but I feel we need some older heads to take up arms with us, like Sir Haynes of rejectville." Says Miller .
"Surely you jest!" exclaims Lord Wallace. "I believe Sorcerer Sheedy is of the craft. How can we trust any of his unwanted stock? It will surely be tainted with doom. We must continue to seek youth and abandon thoughts of acquiring any of Sorcerer Sheedy's outcasts."
"But Sir Hayne's was once of us. Surely you cannot forget his heritage. It was the whispering voices of the Windy Hill luring him to false promises and final damnation for all eternity. We must rescue him from this dreadful fate!" protests Miller.
"Thou dost protest too much Miller. He is not worthy to be horse dung on the sole of my boot!!" Exclaims Lord Wallace...
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Sir Haynes of rejectville
LOL ;D
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"Thou doubts thy wisdom?," Greg de Miller queried.
"Neah," Lord Wallace replied. "I just wished you hadn't gone to the wrong room in the Optus castle the last time you crossed swords with Sorcerer Sheedy. We could have obtained more riches in exchange for Ty of Gangland"
"But we succeeded anyhow," Miller retorted. "The old sorcerer is getting long in the tooth and his hearing isn't as good as it use to be. When I said 'Ty Zantuck' he thought I said 'try Shane Tuck'. I went to the wrong room by mistake because I was too busy rolling on the floor in fits of laughter."
"Yes retaining Friar Tuck was our master stroke," Wallace said proudly.
"That is was," Greg de Miller rejoiced. "Our former Lord master had banished him to Coburg sanctuary you know."
"What a Lord DUDley", Wallace smirked.
'I still keep dreaming of voices of tinkers selling wooden cutlery calling out 'yeah' and 'nah', Miller whispered.
Meanwhile, ...
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Ty of Gangland
:lol :lol :lol
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and then Hook of Hawk said...............
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Thought I bump this thread up again :thumbsup
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On returning to Ye Punt Road castle after a year of many battles, Lord Wallace exclaimed, "It had been the best of years and the worst of years!". My brave young warriors had finally conquered at once after 70 years the forests of rottingwood, carlscum and bumbleland but we suffered great losses to the new powers that dawn the modern age.
Greg the Miller asked, "Sire, what casualties have there been?"
Lord Wallace replied, "Gone are Roach, son of Disco, Greg of Staffordshire, old Chaff, Limbach of Coburg, that dud rookie you got me last year and I'm afraid to say Chubba, brother of Duncan."
"Neah not brave Chubba", Greg the Miller cried out.
"Yes he meant much to me too", Wallace admitted.
"No not that", said the Miller whispering. "How are we going to explain recruiting Kingsley the duke of Kent and that Pol aka Graham to the Punt Road peasants?"
"We will tell them it was a necessary loss for the good of the cause", Lord Wallace explained. "The peasants must learn that courage itself is not enough to secure the Holy Grail. You must be youthful, lightning quick and skilled in all forms of weaponary."
While watching his warriors prepare for another attempt on the Holy Grail, Wallace pondered......
continue......
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Suddenly a page races up to Lord Wallace. "Alas Lord Wallace, I have bad news" gabbled the page. "Lord Simmo the Hunky has befallen a broken ankle and will have to miss the preseason jousting." "Damnation!" roared Lord Wallace. "Anything else?". "I am afraid Squire Schultz has also done some mischief to his hamstring". "Fair dinkum, that guy is a clutz" whispered Greg the Miller. "My advice, Lord Wallace, is to try the strength of Trent the Knobel and the Patter son or even the young peasant Angus the Graham." "Also my Lord, there is bad news from the west concerning the Krakaeour who was involved in a duel with a neighbouring village" said the page. "Confound it!, said Lord Wallace pulling at his hair, "Any good news?" "Well Sir Nathan and Chris the Newman seem to be coming along nicely in their recovery and we have acquired the services of the Knight Kingsly from the Cattery."
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with the serfs baying at the castle door Lord Wallace of Richmond had a wry smile on his face, "I think the recent battle with the rabble from Geelong has caused some disturbance amongst the peseants , know they not Greg the Miller that it is but a test for the troops of the battle that looms over the horizon". "Aye that be true Lord Wallce, but our champion Sir Mathew de Richards son has suffered in Battle again "spoke Greg the Miller' and the young knights in training including Marco Polo, Rickardo of Tambling , and the Gunners son Andrew all looked liked they had been instructed from the school of jesters rather than for the battle field,why infact they where surely made to look like boys fighting men, even some of our seasoned campaigners Bowdon du Joelle and the oaf from the Dale of Tiven where out of sorts, in fact if it had not been for the exploits of our recent recruit Pol aka Graham and some good sense shown by Farmer Brown and the new man Chris we may have been scattered throughout the country side, my Lord Wallace, its at this time we need the peasant to be on our side sharing their taxes with us not howling for blood as some do so even now" "Patience Greg de Miller, all is not lost" replied Lord Wallace, "be not fearfull for the approaching battles, and remember the ears of the crowd are dreadfully fickle and can turn with the wind, In deed I have a plan for the salvation of the shire of Richmond ,and to reclaim the flag that is rightfully ours, send quickly for the troop leaders Johns son Kane, Simmo of Troy, Farmer Brown, that duffer Bowdon du Joelle, and get my aides to carry Marcus la Coughlan to my side this instance it is to their ears directly that i need to speak ..."
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When all who were summoned had arrived....Lord Wallace exclaimed..."I have a cunning plan." to which all concerned proceeded to look to the sky and rub their chins. Lord Wallace then spoke again.. " We Shall ride to the North to the crown city of this land and take on a formidable foe from the city of sin and debauchery. They may be experienced but our young charges will be eager to prove their worth in the field of battle and I have no doubt they will give their all in an effort to defeat the evil bird. If not, no biggie..we'll be safe as all of us will be watching from the distance in preparation to to fight another day for the glory of our land in the never ending pursuit of the holy chalice. For now we rest...but tomorrow our quest to the north will begin....."
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Lord Wallace Lord Wallace Greg the Miller excitedly proclaimed as he burst into Lord wallace's chamber. I bring thee great tiding, our under cover knight Merlin of Mushroomville has finally paid fruit in the West and claimed his first highley reguarded victim Cousins the Crusader.
Eeeexceeleent claimed Lord Wallace our 3 year plan is starting to get a roll on and hopefully Merlin from Mushroomvilles escapades around the country will claim more victims in the near future. "All part of the master 5 year plan'.
As Greg the Miller left , Lord the Wallace enquired 'Merlin from Mushroomville' has not been seen around these parts of late I hope. "NO" exclaimed Greg the Miller . .... 'Not as far as I am aware anyway Lord'..... :shh
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Lord Wallace Lord Wallace Greg the Miller excitedly proclaimed as he burst into Lord wallace's chamber. I bring thee great tiding, our under cover knight Merlin of Mushroomville has finally paid fruit in the West and claimed his first highley reguarded victim Cousins the Crusader.
Eeeexceeleent claimed Lord Wallace our 3 year plan is starting to get a roll on and hopefully Merlin from Mushroomvilles escapades around the country will claim more victims in the near future. "All part of the master 5 year plan'.
As Greg the Miller left , Lord the Wallace enquired 'Merlin from Mushroomville' has not been seen around these parts of late I hope. "NO" exclaimed Greg the Miller . .... 'Not as far as I am aware anyway Lord'..... :shh
:lol
Lord Wallace later replied, "It appears Merlin from Mushroomville has been caught on ye audio tablet and chisel in ol' Perth town" ;)
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FF 10 months
Lord Wallace and Greg the Miller sat deep in thought contemplating the up coming battle, it had taken much gold to relieve the hurts and wounds and to repair the armoury, Praise be to Sir idiot the Smith
well Greg how are we placed for champions inquired Lord Wallace,
my Lord we have lost some great warriors in the previous battles, Darren de Gasper has gone over the Ledge into the Heath, young Andy the Krak of the western tribe has been persused by the authoritys and has left for the western shores, and even our Noble one has returned to toil his field, and what of our recent recuritments in the surrounding villages asked Lord Wallace of Greg, well we have enticed young Cotchen of Trent to join our merry men along with a mongrel from Jordan and the western shores have supplied us with Mitch of Morton and a young giant from fRANCE
and now Greg the Miller, what tactics shall we use to install some self belief and passion and desire to the troops, to enable them to again be a force to be reckoned with asked Lord Wallace and to quell the doubt in the hearts of the villagers
but even as Greg the Miller opened his mouth to bring a reply a siren was heard in the far distance and the door swung open as a court attendant Choco Royale stepped through to deliver a personal message to the ear of Lord Wallace of Richmond.......
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"I have good news and bad news, sire," whispered Choco Royale.
"What ye is the good news," replied Lord Wallace.
"A miracle has occurred, sire. Baron Brown and Count Coughlan have been brought back from the dead and are ready to rejoin us in battle," exclaimed Royale.
"My God! Let the church bells ring out for this is happy news," Lord Wallace rejoiced. "But my loyal servant even with this boost to our infantry I still need more horsepower and long-range weapons to overcome the Sand-i-lands, the Cox of the Coast, the Hilles of Don and that Northern Scot McIntosh of no fixed address. My Kingdom for a horse! My Kingdom for a horse!"
"Do not fret sire," replied Royale. "For Simmonds of Troy has also returned and he is built like a horse."
"Oh it is a day of much rejoicing," Wallace cheered before realising there was also bad news. "What of thy bad news my faithful friend?"
"It is young Sir Richard of Bling Bling," said Royale. "He was wounded in training sire and may need a few weeks to recover."
"Curse thy luck!" cursed Lord Wallace. "High hopes I have for that boy."
Chocco Royale departed the throne room and Greg de Miller continued .....
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"I have good news and bad news, sire," whispered Choco Royale.
""Do not fret sire," replied Royale. "For Simmonds of Troy has also returned and he is built like a horse."
"
:lol .. and all the fair maidens in the land cheered.
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"I have good news and bad news, sire," whispered Choco Royale.
""Do not fret sire," replied Royale. "For Simmonds of Troy has also returned and he is built like a horse."
"
:lol .. and all the fair maidens in the land cheered.
I thought you'd like that line Julz ;D
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Chocco Royale departed the throne room and Greg de Miller continued .....
"Lord Wallace" said Greg de Miller "please do not concern yourself with Sir Richard of Bling Bling, it is but a small hinderance he will be available for long battle ahead that starts in March. We have many more young and noble warriors in training for battle".
"So true" replied Lord Wallace "the commoner Jake who wants to be a King is one who warms my heart as he has no fear. It is this type of belief we need from all our warriors"
While Lord Wallace and Greg de Miller we discusisng the recovery of the long and almost forgotten Mark of Cogs there was another knock at the door.....
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"I have returned for battle sire", Mark of Cogs exclaimed bursting through the door.
"By God, what joyous news tis is", shouted Lord Wallace.
"Not so joyous I'm afraid sire", replied Mark of Cogs. "Another heavy defeat on the receving end of the Cat of nine tails albeit no casualities."
"More fine tuning to our battle plans needed I see. Thank God we don't have to travel down the highway to that wreched place again this year," a relieved Lord Wallace sighed.
Just then ....
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Another battle season had passed and Lord Wallace looked pensive.
"The King haseth given thee only one more year for us to maketh to the September lands or I will suffer the same fate as my trusted companion Greg de Miller," Wallace gasped to Royal Chocco. "His majesty and the grand council in the Tower of Punt Rd have also placed new overlords to oversee us. The meddling Count Freezer who I fear has it in for thee and that former Demonworshiper Cameron of the Craig."
"But we were in sight of the September sire. Horseman Richo was triumphant in battle attacks from the wing. Farmboy Lids came of age. Victories over the ferries from the Glen, the Lions at the Dome and the scum from Windy Hill twice surely pleased the King and the peasantry?" enquired Chocco.
"I'm afraideth not my little bulldog," replied Lord Wallace. "The peasants and the gentry are getting restless for glory and our savage defeats across the border and during our centenary celebrations to the archenemy left a nasty taste in the mouths of our masters. Only reaching and securing the September Lands by midwinter next can save us now from the axeman."
Meanwhile, .....
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There would soon be more news trumpeting from the Tower of Punt Road as there were important plans were being put in place for the upcoming recruiting at the Draft National of Youngsters....
While sitting around the big table Former Demonworshiper Cameron of the Craig said to the Grand Council...
"Fear not I promise I am no longer a Demonworshiper, my allegiences are solely to you all. With this I make this vow - last year saw Cotchin of Trent join our ranks and now we look to bolster our forces with another young Noble man of matching skill, daring and courage. Let me repeat that this is is my pledge to you all and with that I will not disappoint and Lord Wallace will indeed be pleased with my selection"
At that point meddling Count Freezer rose and asked to be excused and headed out of the door to.....
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to welcome back Captain Cambo to Punt Rd Castle after 3 years away assisting the greyhounds and spying in the Western lands.
"How well your travels were sire?", Count Freezer asked.
"I did seeth the September lands twice in my 3 years away with the hounds. As muchest as I did in 12 long long long years in battle under yellow and black flags. Howevert still no holy grail afraid," Cambo replied.
"I too have returned sire," Count Freezer explained. "I have obtained a position on the King's Grand Council."
"How dideth one with such little experience achieve such an honour?", a surprised Cambo asked.
"A mysterious character posted 95 theses on the doors of a public forum demanding Greg de Miller and Lord Wallace's heads... the Count winks ... which caused a restless stir amongst the gentry and peasantry. The Council soon afterwards sent Greg de Miller to the gallows, and wanting a former loyal officer to replace him, it was I who was given the honour. A position on the Council that oversees Lord Wallace hahahahahaha!"
"And me too?" Cambo enquired.
"Just like the old days in battle Captain," the Count replied.
Meanwhile King March had some joyous news for the faithful .....
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the shire of Richmond had been ravaged and piliged by many tribes and far away kingdoms and nearly all the treasures of the land had been lost or shelterd away till a brighter day dawned
after much licking of wounds and the locals vowing to never venture down the path of glory again, a former son of the tiger tribe returned one day and carried some welcoming news for the serfs and villagers
fellow people of the clan Yellow and Black it is I Brend on Gale returned to once again raise the flag of the Tiger, many of those who spun tales of fantasy and vain glory have been banished from our fields and will not be seen this side of the river again, Those who remain have pledged their allegience to my cause
I call you to all reunite and herald in a valiant young leader who once fought for the tribes of essondum and porta power and has honed his skills under the tutorledge of a victorious son of a Clark
"behold I give you Dimma the Hard Man"
many locals ooohhed and aahhhed,
whilst some cynics in the lesser land mocked, behold our saviour, what do you bring with you but a fellow porta power, the farmers boy
hah we have walked this road before and it is long and dark and lonely and the riches promised are but morning mist and flat ale
why should we trust and believe in you and your lot to return the old days to our tribe again,
look at your ragged bench Cambo , the Leppa, Brend on Lade, Newt face, Dilly Dally, and Cameron of the Crag
its more like a travelling troop of entertainers than an outfit of warriors
our young boys will be slaughtered for years to come and the clan of the Tiger will be a laughing stock and a stirring spoon
but Dimma the Hard man would not enter into the goading and tirade of abuse, instead he took his travelling troop and their tools of war and ventured to the local field and set up a jousting and sparing ring,
soon many of the local lads and a few former and future champions gathered, and shouts of merriement and self belief where heard again in the shire of Richmond
some went even as far to say that they had heard the the great tiger Richo was once again to return and fight under the flag of Yellow and Black
but that my friend is indeed another story and is sure to be taken up by another of the OER bards
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:clapping :clapping :clapping
Well Done 632!
My you are feeling very nostalgic today bring up old threads. Its a bit like the day they found the Titaninc. ;D
I'm tempted to get my thought processes going on my ye olde english again
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Ol' dark clouds overhung Punt Rd Castle as word reached the throne room that Sir Mathew Son de Richards had suffered a untreatable wound from an earlier battle and was lost from the battlefield. The whole shire of Richmond was in mourning.
The dire situation confirmed Dimma the Hard Man's worst fears. "We must start again. We must rebuild again. We must seek out the best youth from all kingdoms near and far and turn them not just into fearless warriors but a great army. One unit that is ruthless, relentless and uncompromising.
So the battlecry went out. Lord Brend on Gale sent out message scrolls via carrier pigeon to all de good folk of the shire. It read .....
"Hear ye, hear ye
Change at Punt Road Castle has been great and with this comes renewed optimism. Thy assure thou however the optimism will be blended with realism.
Thee will not conceal thou current position, or offer false hope.
What thee promise thou .....
* The Kingdom is united in our approach to delivering a blueprint for achieving sustained success.
* Thee are taking a long-term view with regards to developing thou young Army.
* Thee will not be making knee-jerk or short-term decisions.
* Everything thee do will be based around Army and not individual warrior.
* Bold thee will be.
* Innovative thee will be.
* Thee will be ruthless, relentless and uncompromising.
Ye all commitment and continued financial contribution to the Kingdom is vital to thou future success."
Meanwhile ......
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Seasons had come and passed and the winds of change had again swept over the land of Richmond, even those jolly cricketers had abandoned the fields of Punt Road, many a past horror was now only a dark memory and the youth of the shire knew not of the bleak days when the evil Lord Wallet and his predecessor Cherry Ripe had raped and pillaged in the name of short term success,
many of the young warriors were now battle hardened, trained in aspects of the new warfare and its modern arts, some even confident to be heard shouting that the time was now to approach familiar enemies camps and take their spoils
We join now as Brend on Gale and Dimma the Hard Man sit in the war office plotting the tribe’s upcoming battles and of new tactics to enthuse the folk of the shire
DtHM “so how is the new tribal enlargement campaign going my good sir, rumor has it that we may indeed be stronger in number than most of our foes before the leaves fall from the oak
“Ah yes” replied BoG “more and more each day are heeding the call and flocking to the tribal halls, indeed we even have now tribal halls in village near and far, our new banner has surely been taken favorably by the mobs to the amount as such that we will be number 50,00 indeed before the falling of the oak leaves”
“And to you DtHM how is the training of the Tribal Warriors going? Are the stories I hear of much increased strength and reserve true ? or is it as before like the froth on my Sunday tankard!”
“My Lord” started DtHM “ myself and the seasoned elders of the tribe, the leppa , Cambo, Brend on Lade, dilly dally and Ross the Smithy, have been toiling hard with new and tested battle plans, our confidence is rising as well,
surely this will be the year we are victorious over that mob down at Collon woods, especially now that Sir Michael the Graying has left on Sabbatical, and they only have that illegitimate son of the Buckler to lead them,
indeed if we where to strike early I am sure that spirits would be lifted and the roar would be heard from the might of the villagers”
‘You inspire even myself DtHM”, spoke BoG as he rose to leave” I have to visit the home of the new man Chris before it gets dark, he is indeed a capable leader of our troops, If only that bold one of De Lidio saw to commit to the fold again? Why with him, and Cotchen of Trent, and the son of the Martin, we once again could become Kings of the hill!,
but away I must and surely this story has more to unfold as the clouds of warfare again roll in to our wonderful sire of RICHMOND”
but again let the Bards have their say
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Holy crap! I just realised that I started this thread 7 years ago. My how time fly's when you're not playing finals! ;D
Excellent revival 632. ;D :thumbsup Might have to conjure up some parchment very soon.
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Funny stuff