Fractured fairytales

[julzqld]

In the forests of rottingwood, the evil Eddie of Mediawhore and Sherrif Malthouse are pondering over their forthcoming battle for the next evening.  "Will you rack off you stupid ponce" Eddie roars at the court jester Joffa.  "Thorry your worshipfullneth" lisps the court jester and with tears in his eyes and tearing at his gold lame pantaloons, minces off to lick his wounds.

"Well Sherriff, how can we disarm this Lord Wallace of Locksley fellow".  "He's a bit of a dark horse".

"Well my lord, it's just like a different team wearing different jumpers", mumbles Sherrif Malthouse.

"What the hell are you crapping on about?" roars Eddie of Mediawhore.

Infuriated, he picks up a precious crystal goblet and throws it at the nearest tv screen.

[Harry]

As dawn broke and light filtered through the deep forest onto the waking souls of the warriors of Punt Road, Gregory the Miller noticed uneasiness amongst the calm of the surrounding trees.  “Quiet!!” he whispered to his loyal soldiers.  “Don’t move a muscle”.  Gently with his sword raised to the heavens Greg the Miller crept backwards from where he stood toward a shrub a few meters behind, and with one swift motion sliced through the foliage and severed the head of an Ogre that had been hiding quietly observing the troops as they woke from their slumber.  The decapitated Ogre fell to its knees, then slowly swayed and fell to its resting place.  “Edward of MediaWhore!!” exclaimed Gregory.  “He’s closer than I thought”.  Startled, a young soldier asked “Sir, how do thou know the Ogre belongs to Edward”.   Greg the Miller pulled out his sword once more and cut a bird shaped insignia from the Ogres fouled black and white clothing.  He raised it to the startled soldier and said, “See this winged creature lad, it’s a Maggot Piranium, the evil feathers of Rottingwood.       

[tiga]

tiga

[tiga]

One young warrior looked at the carcase of the slain Ogre and said "finally we get to eat some fresh meat!" to which Greg the Miller replied "Don't be daft young sire. Everyone knows that rottingwood ogre is not very good eating this time of the year! It must be aged first by making it watch another failed finals attempt." Meanwhile back at the castle the nagged three horseman return singing.. Y M C A, it's fun to stay at the YMCA..A.." Open the gates" Demands Sir Richo.."ummmm what are we rescuing the princess from again??" says friar Rix "A bit of an acne problem." says squire simmo"  lets prepare ourselves...Men...switch your exfoliants to stunning!!!"

[mightytiges]

Hearing the demands of Sir Richo to open the castle gates, the sentry draped in a sparkling orange uniform took offence to the knight's tone. "Ye cannot enter", he exclaimed. Sir Richo shocked by the overiding decision of a hideously coloured pleb jumped up and down in a mad fit of rage and shouted, "I demand thee open the gates". For a short moment there was silence. Suddenly the large iron clad gates began to open. "Now this is more like it", Sir Richo quipped. As he began to move forward the sentry joined by a number of other armed orange guards forced the flustered knight 50 paces away from the castle's enterance. Angered by such treatment Sir Richo retorted, "Ye blind flea-ridden piece of ....". But before he could finish his gripe he was dragged a further 50 paces away. Lord Wallace arriving in the midst of the fracas turned to Greg the Miller and sighed, "Thy enigmatic knight still has much to learn".

Meanwhile...   

[julzqld]

LOL MT - pity Richo wasn't so polite on Friday night.

[julzqld]

Eddie of Mediawhore was rubbing his hands in glee.  "That Jedi mind trick sure worked on those dumb orange gnomes" he cackled to Sherrif Malthouse.  "To be sure, I almost lost my voice in alll the excitement of calling the battle, even if my lovely Nathan was absent".  The Sherrif nodded in agreement, as he always does when Eddie of Mediawhore spoke.  "Yes your Whoreness, that Lord Wallace got too greedy didn't he?".  The ugly court jester Joffa danced around, making an ever big fool of himself than usual.

Back at the castle, Lord Wallace quietly took aside Sir Richo.  "Hate and anger are of the dark side my young apprentice" he gently admonished.  But to the Farmer Brown, who had ridden up late and slightly out of sorts with pitchfork in hand, Lord Wallace had stronger words "You're late - what the hell have you been up to?" Farmer Brown look suitably abashed and Lord Wallace took him and spoke so quietly no-one was able to hear what else was said.  As for Squire Simmonds, all the fair maidens in the land were clamouring around him, sighing over his good looks, bulging muscles and in all physical presence.  Friar Rix looked on jealousy.  "When do I get the fair maidens all over me" he moaned to Greg the Miller.  "Why do I have to languish in the village of Coburg?"  "All in good time" comforted Greg the Miller.

[Capt. Revenge]

it was at about this time that great pain and pestilence crossed the land.  Dark David and Sgt Shultz were struck down with ghastly wounds.

Whilst under the spell of the apothecary Dark David was visited by a horde of villains and a brace of heroes from a past, happier world.

In his delerium he was aproached by Sir Roger of Dean.   Sir Roger whispered something quietly in his ear about constant and unecessary bouncing of the magic pill.  Bold Royce of the South rubbed his knees with a magic potion and John of the Northen Swoop roared words of inspiration.

But what of the horde of rascals and villians?  Well, Robbie the Fowler did not speak, but sat polishing his MFC best and fairest medals.  He tempted poor David with these sparkling trinkets.  And Robbie Longshanks McGhie scared our sleeping hero with the ancient and grotesque art oh his rippling arms.

All the while a couple of burly fellows chased the fair sisters of mercy who were tending to Dark David's wounds.  Mad Mal of Brown and Tricky Ricky Mac wrestled each other for the favors of the beautiful maidens.

But they did not take into account of that terrible creature from the deep.  The man with testicles inside his giant girth.  The Whale was thrashing through the seas of Port Phillip to sort these preseason dilemmas out.  Whispering wild incantations he arrived at our sorrowful scene...........

[mightytiges]

Some funny stuff in this thread

---------------------

A long winter had finally passed and our heroes returned home to Punt Road castle from their battles in foreign lands.

Lord Wallace and Greg the Miller entered the royal quarters to report on the campaign to the fair princess. "Our young nobles have made fine progress your highness but alas the holy grail eluded us on our travels", said Greg the Miller. Lord Wallace then took over. "Our initial progress was above expectations. At full strength and through the masterful swordmanship of Baron Brown de Wizard we had launched seven successful raids including a great victory over our old neminises King Eddie of Mediawhore and Sheriff Malthouse who failed to drown us out in a flood". However, they fled from the forest of rottinwood to the desert lands of Arizona to regroup".

"What of our losses?", the fair princess asked. "Five mortal casualities ma'am", Greg the Miller explained, "including your great servant Lord Cambo the old pensioner. He could no longer go on and we had to leave him by the centre links." Lord Wallace's voice then became more melancholy, "We also lost Baron Brown de Wizard. Cut down facing a Dome full of Demons and after which our inexperienced troops lost their way.

"Can he recover?", the princess enquired.......     

[WilliamPowell]

"Of course" said Lord Wallace "we expect him to run out to battle on the last night in March of 2006 to slay some Bulldogs otherwise known as slobbering muts.... also we expect him to have a new sword for battle! The medieval medicos have suggested that the rod that currently holds his leg together will make a fine sword and keepsake once removed"

"Delightful" said the princess looking rather pale. Quickly changing the sublect to more pleasant matters she asked "and what of our young warrior Brett of Golden Tipped Locks?"

[Razorblade]

"Young Brett has shown much promise in his inaugural campaign" said Lord Wallace "He was the first boy drafted from the villages at the end of the last campaign, and has shown skill and poise beyond his years" said Lord Wallace boastfully.

"If he continues to improve and mature, he may well end up as great as Sir LanceJudd" suggested Greg the Miller.

The Princess is impressed by what she is hearing, "Bring Brett of Golden Tipped Locks to me, i wish to make him my date for the upcoming ball".

"That ah... might be a problem" Lord Wallace said hesistantly "It appears Brett has been listening to Baron Brown and Mark Van De Cogs too much in the area of self-maintenence, and as already knocked back overtures from some of the towns finest young women, which has raised suspicions amongst the ranks that he maybe jousting for the other townships".

The Princess, obviously dissapointed, says to herself under her breath "The best ones always just for the other townships".

 

[Ox]

How come people just post their names on this thread  ???

[Razorblade]

How come people just post their names on this thread  ???

??? ???

[mightytiges]

How come people just post their names on this thread  ???

Just borrowing tiga's post from earlier in the year:

"INTERMISSION

Just a quick note guys... I think it might be a good idea to just post a quick reply with your nick to let people know you are in the process of writing a paragraph. I had one all ready to go this morning only to find that someone had beaten me to the punch. It's no drama, just lets people know that you're about to put one out.
eg as I am in the process of writing one I will post "tiga" to let people know."

[Razorblade]

C'mon fellas give this a bit of effort!