Humour

[froars]

The following is a transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between a U.S. naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland, and reported in the New York Times on Sunday 5th. July 1998.

Canadians,......"Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans,......"Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians,......"Negative, you will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans,......"This is the captain of the U.S. Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians,......"No I say again, you divert YOUR COURSE".
Americans,......"THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER U.S.S. LINCON, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED
                       STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS
                       AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.   I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE
                       15 DEGREES NORTH.  I SAY AGAIN,  THAT'S  ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER
                       MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP".
Canadians,................"This is a lighthouse.    Your call".

[mightytiges]

Silly...

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a
public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a
calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is
being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y"
and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country..

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to
every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes. "I am gratified that our government has
given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these
math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard.
Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of
influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we
must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my
ellipse.  Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they
continue to multiply; their days are numbered as the hypotenuse
tightens around their necks."

[mightytiges]

Mick Malthouse goes to a reunion at Richmond and starts chatting with Danny Frawley.
Danny says to Mick, "Well Mick, I don't know what you think of your players at Collingwood, but mine here are all bright and brilliant."

"How do you know?" asks Mick.
"Oh well, its simple", says Danny. "We now put them through a special intelligence test before they can play here. Just pick any of my players and we will see how well he does."

Mick thinks for a while and then nominates Matthew Richardson.
Danny calls him over and asks him, "Tell me Matty, who is the child of your father and of your mother, who is not your brother, and is not your sister?"
Ah, that's simple Danny", says Matthew, "its me".
"Well Done Matty", says Danny, and Mick is very impressed.

Mick returns to Collingwood and wonders about the intelligence of the team.

He calls in Buckley and asks, "Nathan, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother, who is not your brother, and is not your sister?"

Nathan thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer.
"Can I think about it a bit more Mick, and I'll give you an answer tomorrow?"
"Of course, says Mick, "you've got 24 hours. But it is very important that you come up with the answer".

Nathan goes away, thinks as hard as he can, and then he calls in his team mates.

Rocca thought it might be his Grandpa but wasn't sure.

Tarrant was certain that it couldn't be anyone.

McKee admitted he was sacked from Richmond for not knowing.

Cloke also owned up to failing the test while trying to get a position at Punt Rd.

Prestigiacomo thought it would be an uncle in Italy who had been adopted as a child.

The rest of the team wouldn't even hazard a guess.

Licuria went into the foetal position.

20 hours later, Nathan is very worried that he still has no answer with only 4 hours to go.

Eventually Nathan says "I know, I'll ring James Hird, he's clever, he'll know the answer."

He calls James.

"James", he says, "tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother, who is not your brother, and is not your sister?"

"Very simple", says James, "it's me!"

"Of course!", says Nathan and rings Mick.

"Mick", says Nathan, " I've got the answer: it's James Hird".

"No, you idiot", says Mick.

"It's Matthew Richardson."

[mightytiges]

 A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive
 cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things.

 Within a month of having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
 cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on
 the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

 In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
 small fires".  The insurance company refused to pay, citing the
 obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal
 fashion.  The lawyer sued... and won!

 In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company
 that the claim was frivolous.  The judge stated nevertheless, that the
 lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that
 the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure
 them against fire, without defining what is considered to be
 unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

 Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
 company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
 loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

 NOW FOR THE BEST PART...  After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the
 insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail
and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the first place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

[Fishfinger]

Apologies in advance for lowering the moral fibre of this thread.


Jim from Hobart goes to play golf with an old school mate Dave who moved to Queenstown years ago.
On the course they're catching up on old times when the subject turns to family. Dave mentions his daughter is now 18, to which Jim asks if she's sexually active. Dave ruefully replies that she's not because she just lies there like her mother.