What if Richmond aren't given the rose?Tegan Higginbotham
The Age
17 September 20172017 has, thus far, been quite the fairy tale for the Richmond Football Club. From a powerful and relatively injury-free season, to their first finals win since 2001 against Geelong and the three Cats supporters who showed up at the 'G to watch, it's hard not to get whipped up in the Tiger romance.
But if the recent The Bachelor finale has taught us anything, it's that fan favourites don't always win. And I fear the moment when, post-siren, Osher Gunsberg is going to have to approach a pack of distraught Richmond fans next weekend, lips pursed. "I'm sorry", he says, looking sombrely into the ocean of black and gold, "You didn't receive a premiership."
Moments later, he'll undoubtedly be torn to shreds by the mob and one jilted ex-Hockeyroo who appears out of nowhere wearing war paint. This is what could happen unless Richmond supporters properly steel themselves for the very likely possibility that just like their home's namesake, the team from Punt Road Oval could come to a frustrating, grinding halt.
All that stands between Tiger fans and glory is a mere four hours of football. But four hours is a long time for anything to happen. If you're stuck on the aforementioned Punt Road, you can use four hours to travel a whopping 3.5 metres. And if you're the West Coast Eagles, you can change the whole final series without any time on the clock at all.
Nevertheless, Tigers fans have literally been vibrating with excitement. I spoke with one such fan who described her joy at finally being able to "believe in something!" I pointed out that as she was my agent, this hurt my feelings immensely. She told me to get back to "whatever it is I do", and re-commenced worshipping a print-out of Peggy O'Neal's face.
For the first time in years, the chalice is reasonably within their grasp. But sometimes, the odds work for you and sometimes they don't; it's just a fact.
Take Universal Windows Direct. At the beginning of this year's Major League Baseball season, the window installation company made a promise to their customers: If the Cleveland Indians beat their all-time record and won 15 consecutive games during the season, anyone who hired Universal during July would have the entire job paid for by the company. Well, recently the Indians beat the Chicago White Sox, and now the insurance company looking after Universal are out of pocket $US1,975,000.
This not only makes for a vital cautionary tale, but also an excellent addition to Play School's more window-heavy segments. "What's that behind the Universal Shaped Window, Humpty? Why, that's right! It's crippling debt!"
So it's best to go into these things emotionally prepared for all outcomes. To begin with, Tigers fans need to have their "Why we lost" excuses ready to go in advance. A sore loser is never attractive, right Kochie?
Nor do you want to come across as petulant, as Manly boss Scott Penn did when, after losing to the Panthers, he took a dig at the opposition's cheerleaders. I reached out to the Pantherettes for a rebuttal, and at this point in time all they were comfortable saying is: "He's aggressive! He's-he's aggressive! GOOOOOO to hell!" before cartwheeling away into the middle distance.
With that in mind, the following three options have been tested and deemed more than acceptable within the realms of sport.
First and foremost, you can take a page from the Kyrgios book of excuses and claim that all the players were clearly injured and then state that they'd rather be playing basketball anyway.
"Wardrobe malfunctions" are also good to fall back on, whether you're Janet Jackson post-Nipplegate, or the Sri Lankan cricket team, who blamed a loss to Pakistan in 2001 on their uniforms being too tight.
Finally, you can blame spooky ghosts. You heard me, spooky ghosts. This is what the New York Knicks did in 2010 after suffering one of their worst losses to the Thunder. The team claimed they could hardly sleep because they were convinced that the Skirvin Hilton in Oklahoma City was "haunted". Sceptics on the other hand are far more inclined to think that the blame lay solely on the Slim Reaper himself, Oklahoma's Kevin Durant.
Next, Tigers fans should seek out ways to actively improve their moods in case the worst should come to pass, by observing Australians in less fortunate situations.
They can start by heading to the Melbourne Fringe and watching any number of shows where the performers will undoubtedly be performing at a financial loss. Maybe you could spend time with one of the people who've been indirectly hurt by the opinions of Israel Folau. Or you could just put a photo of the Gold Coast Suns on your wall, scribble out Gary Ablett's face and just imagine what they're going through right now. It's painful, isn't it?
Hopefully none of this will be necessary. Hopefully you get the rose, you take out the big one and you emerge victorious. But if all that fails, hold on to your club's motto: strong and bold. Try to ignore the fact that "strong and bold" sounds like something you'd read on a box of hair dye and instead realise that you're strong, you're bold, and damn it, you'll last up to 30 washes.
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