Here is a spiel on why you should support the Richmond Football Club and why you should steer clear from any of the other teams.
Adelaide supporter. If you've watched The Housewives of Orange County or New York then that is what you have. People with money who shouldn't have it and still behave like those who don't.
Brisbane supporters. Whether their team is first or tenth there is no difference. Maybe because they are from Queensland a traditional Rugby League state but they just seem to go with the flow neither here nor there.
Carlton Supporters. A lower form of life. No morals no ethics pretty much sums them up. You can lie cheat steal kill and it would be okay as long as you support Carlton pretty much because the fans operate their daily lives much like their footy club.
Collingwood supporters. These are the lowest of the low. Being American you would know of the folk y'all from Mississippi Alabama and such. Bigoted, uneducated backward in some case criminally inclined. Mother is your wife and sister n law kind of stuff. You get the picture. Even their rich fans get rich by winning the lottery. Hence they have the most fans in the league due to the sick lower lower lowest class we have here. Prison inmates and petty crims with no intelligence and the f word makes up the extent of their vocabulary.Lack of personal hygeine and lack of teeth also constitute 99.98% of their fan base.
Essendon supporters. If being a wanker was a crime you'd lock the lot of them up throw away the key and let them burn like they did in Waco all those years ago. Arrogant and they don't know why.
To sum them up without rambling on. If you have watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Essendon fans characteristics would be a splitting image of Veruka Salt's character.
Fremantle supporters. Perth is so isolated from the rest of Australia and geographically from any other major world wide capital city also that in some scientific journals a theory that is still being studied has been put forth that due to their geographic isolation from anything that resembles normality and being closest to Adelaide as well has meant that they are possibly missing one or two pairs of chromosomes. When the results are in we'll let you know.
Geelong supporters. Country bumpkins. Will invite you for a roast and a slice of apple pie only to then forget their hospitality try and pants you and have their way with you and then call it country loving. Unlike their team their fans are still stuck in the dark ages and many still think Elvis is still alive and well and runs the petrol station on that deserted road on the way to Horsham.
Gold Coast. Plastic franchise. Choreographed footy team. No soul no history no passion. That's the best I can do.
Greater Western Sydney. See my summation on Gold Coast.
Hawthorn. Brown and yellow. Pee and poo colours. Everyone agrees bar there own fans. 15 years ago this club was stuffed. Recovered due to the sign up of bona fide Hawthorn fans closest relatives, farm animals- dogs cats birds cows pigs horses etc. Hence attending a Hawthorn game is akin to travelling to country localities and experience the sight and sounds of the farmyard whilst still retaining the pertinent human quality of denial in being something they aren't like lets say a top 4 club like us good people at Richmond, failure and living in a by gone era that most people who have lived long enough here in Oz and have been exposed to the declining ozone layer have more than forgotten.
Melbourne If Bel Air, Manhattan or Connecticut had a footy team then they would align themselves with Melbourne Footy Club. People who are filthy rich and have great business acumen but as soon as they hold a board position of the Melbourne Footy Club they lose all their business intelligence and run the club into the ground. Players recruited are usually kids of fellow silvertails who go to exclusive schools who use football as a temporary outlet to release some frustration or in the current case just how how inept they are at playing physical contact sport. Skiing tennis polo are the real sporting passions of these people. By June with their season fully over they are more than happy to engage their real passions in going skiing rather than screaming from the terraces go number 9 or go number 15 because they don't know the names of their own players. Unlike you Yanks whose sports clubs are owned by the most part by people who are ruthless and single minded this footy club may as well be run currently by Ronald McDonald and Hamburglar.
Footnote. Google Jack Watts footballer will sum up the MFC to a tee.
North Melbourne. I'd talk about their fans if I could. They have very few.You could count them on one hand. If ever there was a pathetic sporting organisation in Australia with no fans no culture no money no home no character no sympathy no nothing this is your team. Club tries to use the sympathy line on the public to generate some sort of feeble support without any luck as people want to associate themselves with something that embodies some sort of philosophy and some sort of identity. North Melbourne has failed in both these key criteria and hence they are the least supported club in the league. The sooner they die the better. Jack Kevorkian would have loved euthanasing this sorry lot and to be quite honest many here would not have batted an eyelid either.
Port Adelaide. On certain days in the year this mob of unruly and uneducated yokels can give Collingwood fans a real run for their money. A Port Adelaide home game is viewed by mainstream Australian society as a function for our less fortunate, less intelligent, less socially acceptable fellow human being. Fans of this club are known to urinate, expose themselves and speak to you with the local dialect of f this and f that at visiting fans. Many claim these people are just a bi product of a lower socio economic upbringing but some reputable science journals have clearly come up with reputable theories that drinking large amounts of bore water has impacted on the necessary brain functionalities and resulted in such awkward and baffling social behaviours. Must be part of the answer to why per capita Adelaide has more serial killers than anywhere else in Australia.
Richmond. Loyal Supportive Caring. Any club have the failure we have experienced since that heinous day in 1982 when we were cheated out of our 11th Premiership by a 19th man for Carlton who appeared butt naked just when we were looking good for the flag and they would have folded up the tent and gone home. The passion, support and blind faith generated by us is astonishing and if anything the day we do win our next flag the City of Melbourne will certainly shut down for the next week. Only Richmond fans can encompass the emotions of love hope hate passion loathe disgust joy optimism pessimism loyalty faithfullness and failure in the same game while watching another galling loss dust themselves off and front up again the next week for another serve. Even wins are met with the same emotions such is our uniqueness. The looks on our faces on public transport before and after games are a stark reminder of who we were who we are and who we are still waiting to be and only a Richmond Fan can understand this. If anything after so much failure we are realistic and fully aware of our limitations. Come aboard and join the ride. You will never experience anything like this in your life. The saying here goes there are two types of footy fans Richmond Fans and those who wish they are Richmond fans. Every footy fan is also jealous of our club song.
St Kilda. When one kick off the side of your boot is the most defining moment of your history since 1897 then that says it all. Fans of this club behave as though they are the most successful most best club in the league but their failure is oh so funny. 26 wooden spoons the most in professional sports in Australia is a stark reminder of how pathetic this club and its culture really is. In recent history the smugness of their fans knowing they had drafted well and had an on field powerhouse teams was something to behold, but history knows the frailties of this useless footy club came to haunt them with no more premierships two harrowing and devastating Grand Final defeats and now that the Premiership window is closed and we are still 10 times the club they are is more than a stark reminder of how superior we are to them despite our lack of on field success since 1982. Furthermore any club that has Stephen Milne on their list should be hated voiciferously. It can be argued he is the most hated player in the league and the one that if he was hurt physically by the opposition any opposition that player should be granted all his bonuses for the season no questions asked and the tribunal should throw out the matter without hearing the case.
Western Bulldogs. A club whose working class history is embodied in their support and passion from people brought up in Melbourne's industrial west. One flag in 1954 and one Grand Final appearance since 1961. A loser club but a club that when successful on field many don't seem to mind or begrudge them their purple patch and time in the sun. Although in days gone by a trip to their home ground at the Western Oval was littered with humour and fear as well as dizziness from the fumes of the industrial west it was a day where Melbourne's working class culture tried oh so hard to embody and follow the corporatisation of the sport and the more elite clubs with failure after failure after failure. A mid range on field club at best with really no hopes no prospects no success and whose failures when they should win are so catastrophic they are still spoken about with both surprise sympathy and mirth all at the same time. Footnote see 1997 Preliminary Final v Adelaide.
It almost transcends the Scott Bartman Cubs fiasco against the Marlins.
Sydney. The Sydney market is unique. Rugby League heartland yet in the last 15 years or so the Swans have cut their own niche in such a fickle market that does not embrace failure and losing very well. For the most part Sydney fans in Melbourne were South Melbourne fans before South relocated to Sydney in 1982 where jovial people who for the most part were more than willing to support their individual heroes like Bob Skilton Triple Brownlow Medallist than the exploits of their side as they weren't that plentiful. In modern times Sydney fans have a complete misunderstanding of the rules of the sport and the history of the game and it is quite an experience for the away supporter venturing up to the harbour city listening to these folk at the Sydney Cricket Ground. It is almost as if these people have been living in bubbles all their lives and they have been let out on day release.
West Coast Eagles. Feral supporters from Perth. Not as bad as Freo fans but I have to say it is as if they have lived unrealistic footy lives and would find a loss incomprehensible yet at the same time the vitriol that can spew from their mouths is something those (un)fortunate enough to hear it would be more inclined to laugh loudly and petulantly at than want to retaliate against. As I've stated with Fremantle fans their geographic isolation makes them seem though they are missing a pair or a few pairs of chromosomes but that still doesn't cut it with us East Coast folk who know better. They are 2 hours behind us in all aspects of life let alone real time.
