I could’ve sworn these must’ve been part of our KPI’s for the first three quarters on the weekend:
Sideways movement of the ball and over possession – this racks up the possession count, don’t worry too much that the ball doesn’t move any closer to our goal.
Stationery players – don’t get numbers at the ball. Under no circumstances go in and support a teammate, instead watch as he is outnumbered 3 to 1 against the opposition. A bloke’s gotta learn how to look after himself and win possession, regardless of the odds.
Don’t lift your eyes and use the middle of the ground – instead, go coast to coast along the boundary – only to hit a snag before reaching the destination. It’s more fun for spectators that way and only adds to the game as a spectacle.
Shhhh – no talking while you’re working, you’ll wake sleeping teammates. This ensures that players learn to develop eyes in the back of their head and won’t get run down from behind in future. They may even learn to develop some awareness of what’s going on around them, without needing a teammate to let him know what’s going on.
Don’t apply any pressure to the opposition and impede their use of the ball. It’s not nice and you wouldn’t like it if it happened to you.
No running on the grass – probably not a KPI, but it must’ve been part of the strategy, because most players stuck to it really well for a long while there.
