The Richmond Way.
Internal Memo to marketing department. Please translate this for public consumption.
Can use Lennon for the photos on the press release. That's what we recruited him for. Image is everything when you're at a big 4 club.
I know there has been some recent confusion in the media about our game plan so I thought I would use the Port game to highlight a few points and to take this opportunity to clear a few things up for the fans. (I mean media). Who cares what the fans think. The game wasn't statistically as good as our elimination final against Port, but remember, they were fielding a reserve side this week and it was only a home game. Comparatively, our KPIs were better.
Our recruiting, match selection, game plan, player development all came together brilliantly in this game.
Against Port's reserve side, we reached new heights that we hadn't achieved in the previous 30 plus years of success.
We selected both of our mature ruckman, neither of which can run, tackle, mark, kick, handball or leap. Thats why we didn't go after another ruckmen in the offseason. They have the Richmond way covered. Hampson can tap, but fortunately it rarely goes to our midfielders and they don't watch the ball anyway so we are all good. Phew. We have everything covered. I almost forgot our strategy. Trust me, we have thought of everything. I wrote it all down on a bit of paper when I joined the club. Just not sure where I put it but I have three years to find it so its all good.
I almost forgot, Maric can't tap at all which is why he is an automatic selection whenever he can be carried onto the field. Everyone knows ruckman are overrated. (Even our dumb fans).
First rule of our game plan is to never get the ball first. If the midfielders get the ball first, they might get tackled and then their hair might get messed up. Our players have to look good. Footy is live on TV you know? Cant get your hair and makeup done until quarter time. Unless you're the captain. He can come off early. One of the perks of the job. Media hate him for his perfect hair. You know it rarely moves. That's how well he follows the game plan. The media are so unfair but that's just one of the burdens of being at a big 4 club.
Rance had a brain fade from going against team rules last week. I tried to warn him not to try so hard, that the game plan would take care of everything. I still missed him though. He looks so damn good when he has the ball and he is a such nice guy like me. Everyone is always trying to mess up his hair. Makes me angry. We should have been brothers.
Back to this game, we knew Port were undermanned and liked to run and carry the ball. So we bolstered the speed of our backline by throwing Chaplin back there to help Astbury out. We needed to slow things down. Speed isn't a required ingredient for a keepings off, kick to the boundary, chip chip, stoppage game plan so everything is all good. You can't win a game going forwards or moving the ball quickly. Everyone knows that except our fans. They are stupid.
At the other end of the ground, Vickery and Riewoldt (ankle) are proof that you don't need to tackle or run if you are tall. As long as you guard the zone, and stay away from the goal square, you are good. I keep telling the boys, you will get the occasional goal when the opposition players forget you are on the field. You have to blend into the grass or hide near the stands. Just not too close to the Richmond fans, they are fickle you know. One of their teammates will accidentally kick the ball their way and then there will be nothing between the boys and the goals. Just remember to handball. Its a team game.
(I am still trying to teach the boys about the new umpiring interpretation. I don't think they give goals for kicking the ball out of bounds anymore. That was how it used to work, wasn't it? Richo was the greatest at it. I based my game plan on the great man. I really don't know much about the forward line, I was a defender. The players have no idea either. What do the fans think we are, SCIENTISTS?)
To prove the strategy works, the match selection team won't play Lennon until he plays the Richmond way. If they overrule me, I will leave him on the bench. I'm in charge, not them. He needs to learn to stop marking the ball and kicking it to his teammates. He is a bit thick. He hasn't caught on yet but he will. Just watch dusty, he used to be a great kick and mark. That style of play is too predictable for opposition clubs. He just needs to slow down a bit and I will find a spot for him. What is his hurry? Young people. That's why we should just recruit mature age players. They understand the game plan and aren't in a hurry to get anywhere.
Your cheerful leader, Dim, Dimmer, Dimwi, Dimma.... Dimma! Haha. Almost forgot my own nickname. Those pesky fans always call me different names but I am still in charge so they can suck it. Thinking I might go to Europe for my summer vacation next year. Not many tiger fans there. Benny gave me an extra couple of years on my contract. The club has never been so stable and the president has never had to do so little. She is a woman, so if anyone criticises her, we can call them a bunch of misogynists. She is an American too, so she doesn't know anything about footy. Brilliant move by Benny and the marketing department. He is the real genius. Its great being an AFL coach.
ps. The whining sponsors can get stuffed. Who drives a jeep anyway unless its given to them for free?
