The Christmas season - time to pull out the jokes

[LondonTiger]

All of us will be pretty hectic over December with parties, drinks, more parties and more drinks, and every time I go to these events, I find the lack of good jokes appalling.



I suggest we all put down some laughs and use them around the party circuit.  The trick here is to keep the jokes as short as possible to give you every chance to remember them and then use them at will.

Use them to charm whomever you need to.

Here are some of my favourites.

A dog is for life, not just for Christmas.  Remember that at your office Christmas party.

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic satanist?  Sold his soul to Santa.

A snail snails into a bar.  Bartender says "Sorry we dont serve snails in here", picks him up and throws him out.  6 months later the same snail snails back in.  "What did you do that for?"

A man has a day off from work, and decided to do something different so heads off to a zoo.  When he gets to the zoo, it only has a single animal, a dog.   It was a Shitzu.

Two cannibals are eating a Clown, when one says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

What kind of bees make milk?  "Boobies"



 


If anyone is offended by these, apologies.

[one-eyed]

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

[Stephanie]

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

  I've done that

[F0551L]

An oldie but so true   



Johnny and the Donkey

 

A young man named Johnny bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

 

When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, I have some bad news. The donkey is on my truck, but I'm afraid he's dead."

 

Johnny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

 

The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already."

 

Johnny said, "Just unload the donkey anyway."

 

The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"

 

Johnny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

 

The farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

 

But Johnny, with a big smile on his face, said "O yes I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead."

 

A month later the farmer met up with Johnny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

 

Johnny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $798.00."

 

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"

 

Johnny replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his $2 back plus $200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a really great guy."

 

Johnny grew up and eventually became the Prime Minister of Australia, and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he took from Aussie voters, as long as he gave them back some of the money, most of them thought he was a great guy.

 

[mightytiges]

Nice one 632  .

What does English wicketkeeper Briant Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

[2JD]

LOL they are great! keep them coming, I cant add to them cos I can never remember the funny jokes but I am enjoying these ones 

[julzqld]

Here's one for all the ladies:  What do you call a woman who does a man's days work?  Answer:  Lazy!
 

[tiga]

Here's one for all the ladies:  What do you call a woman who does a man's days work?  Answer:  Lazy!
 

A return salvo for the men.....

Why is it that women state they are equal to men in this the 21st century yet they still can't program a VCR or read a map?

Why is it that women state they are capable of fighting next to the men in combat yet they are still not capable of killing a spider??

A letter to Tech Support
-------------------------------------------

TO TECHNICAL SUPPORT:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs & launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this Wife 1.0.
Can you help me, please!!! Otherwise, I'm screwed.
Thanks, Joe.

REPLY:
DEAR JOE SCREWED
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade form Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more
problems than the original system.
Look in you manual under "Warnings- Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command: C: \APOLOGISE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal.
The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance to Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.
Tech Support.

[one-eyed]

A few Beers 

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[mightytiges]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

[F0551L]

BILLY'S GAY DANCER DAD
>
>Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
>what>their fathers did for a living.  All the typical answers came out, fireman,
>policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being
>uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
>
>"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes
>in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out
>with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
>
>The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy
>aside to ask him if that was really true.
>
>"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too
>embarrassed to say."

[Stephanie]

 
Love it!

[mightytiges]

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[mightytiges]

An oldie but a goodie......

 A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive
 cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things.

 Within a month of having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
 cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on
 the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

 In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
 small fires".  The insurance company refused to pay, citing the
 obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal
 fashion.  The lawyer sued... and won!

 In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company
 that the claim was frivolous.  The judge stated nevertheless, that the
 lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that
 the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure
 them against fire, without defining what is considered to be
 unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

 Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
 company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
 loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

 NOW FOR THE BEST PART...  After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the
 insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!

 With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
 being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
 burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail
 and a $24,000 fine.

 This is a true story and was the first place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

[LondonTiger]

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions
at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and
the value of the products increase as   you ascend the flights.

You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up
to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and
are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign   reads: Floor 4 - These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and
Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store
just across the street.

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.