Just to clarify, I'm all good now.
I was out and about today when the bell tolled. Not wanting to miss the window of opportunity, i made a straight armed dash to the nearest public toilet.
I won't go into specific details, other than saying Gerks comments some years ago about "trying to flush a pair of jeans down an S-Bend" are at the forefront of my mind.
Thanks again for all your tips and encouragement. And thank you to the mods for the tolerance.