Inter: We want to buy Perisic.
Wolfsburg: Fine. That’ll be 20 million.
Inter: Huh. We were thinking more in the neighborhood of 17 million…
Wolfsburg: That's too bad. 20 million.
Inter: 17.5 million?
Wolfsburg: No. 20 million.
Inter: Let's start over -- fortunately, we've devised our own formula for these sorts of situations. Here's the deal: Season-long loan for 2.5 million, with obligation to buy later at 15 million?
Wolfsburg: No. 20 million.
Inter: Okay, okay, how about this. Season-long loan for 3 million, obligation to buy later at 14.5 million.
Wolfsburg: No. 20 million.
Inter: Okay okay, let's add some bonuses here. Season-long loan for 3 million, obligation to buy later at 12 million, with a 1 million bonus if he makes more than 15 appearances and an extra 1.5 million in bonuses if we make the Champions League?
Wolfsburg: No. 20 million.
Inter: Hold on just a minute, we’ll sweeten the deal. Two-season loan with obligatory purchase for 10 million, paid in five semi-monthly installments, alongside a 5 million bonus after his first five substitute appearances in away matches, plus a four-year bonus royalty rate of 500 bucks for every pass he completes in a Coppa Italia match or a summer friendly (some restrictions apply), a 2 million discount credit to be applied to all future purchases, 8.6% of profits from all Perisic jersey sales (not including child sizes), the use of Erick Thohir’s personal helicopter whenever he’s out of town, and a complimentary bottle of champagne?
Wolfsburg: Do you have 20 million? If not, I think we’re done here…
Inter: Wait, wait. Fine. We’ll pay the 20 million. Paid in installments over 6 years.
Wolfsburg: 3 years.
Inter: 5 years.
Wolfsburg: 3 years.
Inter: 4 years.
Wolfsburg: 3 years.
Inter: All right, that sounds like a deal, 20 million paid over 3 years. Well, it took us three months, but I'm glad we could finally hammer out an agreement that I hope we can both live with. Pleasure doing business with you. Do you take American Express?
Wolfsburg: No.
